Emmy Live-Blogging: First Hour

7:40pm
Have never live-blogged awards show before. Always thought would be enormous distraction. Especially re: only care about one awards show (duh). Am therefore experimenting with Emmys, which I don't really care about, to see how feels, etc. Have not seen Emmys in at least 10 years - am marginally curious about shindig, am wondering if movie stars will be present. Love Ellen, love to love Ellen. Hope someone has integrity enough to slam Pat Robertson on her behalf. OK, maybe is not right occasion. But Robertson is national cloven-hoofed nightmare, let me just say.

(N.B. Okay, I just read that Robertson-vs.-Ellen was an internet hoax. My bad. But it's still not hard to believe he said it, is it??)

Speaking of nightmares, Melissa Rivers just managed typical degradation of classy actor: MR asks Jeremy Piven to pick question from bleacher-fan out of hat. Question says, "Would you sleep with a stranger for $100,000?" Why do we like actors enough to watch TV and to watch awards shows, but yet hate them enough to subject them to insane and asinine questions?

Joan Rivers is talking to Hugh Laurie. Has no idea what he's nommed for. Jesus.

8:10
Opening number = horrid, horrid excrescence. Even Allan Carr rolls in grave. Black Eyed Peas = hopelessly bizarre band. Band members are not discernibly "in" band. More like people who always happen to be around when/where "band" is performing. Is Fergie under gag order, or similar? Please don't make her dance. Oh. Sweetie...

8:17
Ellen is off. Perhaps has had difficult, emotional, distracted week responding in deeply personal way to massive, calamitous tragedy in hometown. (ed.)

Good joke about North Korean People's Choice Awards and another good one about how losing "doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're a bad actor." Bad batting average for opening monologue, but is okay. In vast Golf Game of Awards Show Hosting, Ellen gets major handicap, because we love her. (Look at Portia sitting with E's mother!)

8:19
Great closer line from Ellen: "Winning an Emmy is not important. I think we all know what's important in life—winning an Oscar. Those are for movies. Man, I'd love to host that show." Indeed, Ellen.

8:22
Why Brad Garrett? Have only seen Raymond 3x or 4x, but Garrett seems really boring, esp. re: Jeremy Piven. Even in short telecast clip, Piven is hilarious.

Funny moment with Sean Hayes pretending to be asleep, drooling, while winner is announced. Do Emmys go for that Golden Globes silly/drunk vibe? Hope so. Will majorly leaven experience of watching awards show where stuff like Judging Amy is contender.

8:29
William Shatner = snore. Am more focused on losers: Alan Alda is funny tearing up speech, and self is apparently Last To Know that Naveen Andrews dates Barbara Hershey. V.v.g.

8:32
Am sort of surprised by Hugh Jackman, and also by Hugh Jackman's Wolverine beard. (Earlier: suppressed minor acid reflux upon hearing that Halle Berry is, indeed, back in X3 - whyyyyy...........) Jackman always thanks wife first. Is nice. But still surprised Jon Stewart lost.

8:40
Blue Man Group, then Zach Braff? Cue again: whyyyyy...........

8:41
Supporting Actress in Drama = Women I love, and also Tyne Daly. Means Daly will probably win, but want Danner.

YAY! Danner! Most beautiful woman in Hollywood? So possible.

8:41:30
GAHHHHH!!!! Stockard Channing looks like experimental leather-stretching process.

8:42
May have to abandon live-blogging, as well as abandon entire life, to make personal Haj of seducing and marrying Blythe Danner. Surely Derek, Sean will understand. Lovely, lovely, lovely speech. Classiest and most beautiful woman in Hollywood? Is amazing.

8:43
TV ad for In Her Shoes, one of my most-anticipated movies of the fall. Toni Collette + Curtis Hanson + Shirley Maclaine underplaying for first time in life (well, in this life, har har).

8:44
GAH! Here's why hate TV: repellent ad where we listen in on emergency 911 call from heart attack victim is bad enough, but when followed by Ashley Judd hawking make-up product and CSI: Miami peddling lurid rape-murder premise, is even yuckier. Sorry, all, am anti-TV snob. Shows cannot possibly be good enough to put up with ads.

8:46
Ellen is always funnier in short filler segments than in monologue. Bit with Emmy time-keeper is classic.

8:47
I hope everyone is keeping straight: Derek is husband, Sean Penn is Movie Star Husband, Blythe Danner is New Wife, and Paul Newman is Movie Star Husband Emeritus. "Paul Newman could not be here tonight" is obvious euphemism for "Paul Newman never comes to sockhops like this." Btw: I bought (from eBay) same b&w snapshot of Paul Newman that is his classic "couldn't be here" insignia on awards shows.

8:50
Jane Alexander is classy, terrific actress giving classy acceptance speech. But must also say: Kathy Bates is consistently among the best-dressed attendees of all awards shows. She is always so, so lovely, and she never gets any credit for it. Again, she's looking fab, and in a new color! Powder blue.

8:51
Why are they doing these faux TV theme recitals? Even with marginally clever, satiric Neil Patrick Harris intro? Some girl who plays someone called "Veronica Mars" is trying to sound like Beyoncé, but in cruel hoax, sounds more like self when self sings Beyoncé songs in shower. TV show hilariously cuts away to slack-faced dowagers clapping. Approval from this set could feasibly be more dispiriting than no applause at all.

8:53
Expected winners as Best Guest Actors in Comedy series, Bobby Cannavale and Kathryn Joosten, actually stuck presenting Best Director of Variety, Music, or Comedy Show —an award you would only include in overlong telecast if you were, say, the director of a Variety, Music, or Comedy Show. Winner is director of Olympics Opening Ceremony or similar, with improbable name of Bucky Gunts.

And now Outstanding Writing of Variety, Music, or Comedy show? Wha.... oh, wait, is worth hilarious collages of writing teams, especially Ali G team. Is so dirty and hilarious. Why is this okay, but Janet's nipple is crisis? ........ Okay, only Ali G and Conan segments were worth it. But clips from Daily Show with Jon Stewart are so hysterical that it's nice to see him winning.

8:59
So far, Emmys are snooze, but liveblogging fun. More fun with maraschino-flavored martini. Back for next hour.

Best Dressed So Far: Marcia Cross, Eva Longoria, and Blythe Danner, with excellent hair and makeup from all three.