Emmy Live-Blogging: Second Hour

9:06
Doris Roberts wins agayawwwwwwwwwwwwwwn. However—even though I'm not speaking as someone who's really seen much of their shows—fellow nominees not inspiring enough to get upset about their losing to perennial winner Roberts. Perhaps new Emmy Awards slogan could be: "No Holland Taylor Performance Left Behind!"

9:09
Letterman, introducing well-deserved Carson tribute, comes across as enormously uncomfortable with emotional sincerity. Great joke from Carson, though:

Q: "Johnny, how did you become a star?"
JC: "I started in a gaseous state and cooled." Ironically, most of Emmy audience still in gaseous state.

Still, Carson: what a choice fellow. Why do we lose great TV people like Jennings and Carson but still have to deal with Brit Hume and the Rivers women? World even more unfair than already seemed.

9:16
Ameriprise? That's the name of a corporation? Criminal Minds?? That's the name of a show? Tagline: "Arsonists! Rapists! Murderers! TV's next great thriller!" Am realizing, forgot to make martini during break.

9:18
Whole Raymond cast united for presenting gig. Measures a giant Zero on personal Nostalgia-Meter. All dressed in black, in manner of funeral, which perhaps this is. Patricia Heaton, who weirdly refused to clap for Katrina victims, is utterly indiscriminate attention hound. Wow, they're really stretching this thing out.

These Family Guy inserts are kind of funny, but not funny enough to really justify their existence.

Jon Stewart wins again, hard to begrudge him. Nice tie choice. Not convinced Letterman needed impromptu tribute. Sure bet Letterman feels old!

9:20
Next inexplicable TV theme rehash features a good-looking guy called Gary Jourdan (sp?), whom I think I spotted in an edition of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful." Also Macy Gray, decked out like Ava Gardner in burgundy-colored satin. Moment evaporates instantly, even as happens, much like Ellen mini-gag with sparkler and unicycle, much like entire career of Patricia Arquette.

Montage of Guest Actor/Actress in Drama nominees includes Martin Landau over-emoting as usual. Creepy shot of Ray Liotta vomiting black blood. Liotta wins, Amanda Plummer too, which means that Angela Lansbury, who is 5 for 5 at the Tonys, still can't win a fucking Emmy after like 6,000,000 tries. What's with Emmys and Angela?

9:26
J.J. Abrams is very popular winner for directing pilot episode of Lost. Will camera cut to v.v.pregnant Jennifer Garner? No, but cut to Barbara Hershey, and then bleached-out Geena Davis.

Abrams thanks his "beautiful wife Katie," which instantly calls to mind Katie Holmes, aka Kate Holmes, aka Kate Cruise, aka Patty Hearst v.2005. Actually, isn't Abrams directing Mission: Impossible 3? Maybe he, too, is marrying Katie Holmes? Does Scientology allow for such things?

9:29
Teaser for upcoming category shows that Ken Branagh, Bill Macy, Jonny Rhys-Meyers, and Geoff Rush (I'm on first-name basis, dontcha know) are all competing. Perhaps it will be 4-way tie, and they can all share massive, Aristrocrats-style bulimic moment where they purge all that scenery they've been chewing? Or perhaps, as deserves, Ed Harris just wins this one on credit? (I'm a Harris fan. Except in The Hours. And even there, he's not quite as bad as I remembered him being.)

9:32
Turns out Mark Harmon is now silver-haired, and star of something called NCIS... what does that stand for? Remember when TV shows had actual names? Am sure it's about coroner, arsonist, rapist, necrophiliac, or similar. Anyway, in seemingly major coup, Lauren Holly has been added to cast. How will they top this? Tempestt Bledsoe? Tara Reid?

9:33
Connecticut-specific TV ad is absolutely repugnant shocker, ending with tag line, "Let's Keep Connecticut Wealthy." Single image in background is of massive yacht sailing blue sea. I. am. not. kidding. Will transcribe in full at next commercial break, so that you can possibly imagine what I just saw.

9:36
Geoffrey Rush wins, eats Jonathan Rhys-Meyers on way to stage.

9:36:30
Rush almost wins me over with speech closer, crediting wife as "winged woman who holds up my world molecular thingy." Re: Emmy statuette. OK, maybe had to be there.

9:39
Patrick Dempsey isn't hard to look at, is he? Gives award to Stephen Hopkins, auteur of Blown Away, winning the great derby of B-list directors over Joseph Sargent and Fred Schepisi and the admittedly, unironically great theater director George C. Wolfe. Meanwhile, Ellen Pompeo seems to be wearing dress made out of reassembled medical scrubs, in manner of disastrous prom dress in Pretty in Pink.

9:41
In which it becomes clear that The Life and Death of Peter Sellers keeps winning awards so that cameraman can keep cutting to Charlize Theron. Oh, but third time isn't the charm; Charlize suddenly looks bored. (Hey, why wasn't Emily Watson nominated?) Peter Sellers writers bombing out with speech full of one-liners. Oop, cut back to Charlize: she looks happy again. Good sport, that one.

9:44
Icy shard of fear spikes into heart as Elizabethtown ad is slathered across TV. Feel obligated to see it, but expect the worst. (Last-ditch hope was Dunst, but Venice and Toronto reports actually singled out for especial criticism. Considering low opinion of overall movie, Dunst must indeed be bad.)

9:45
A thought about pharmaceutical commercials: why do they sell pills, when the ads are 50% full of reasons not to take said pills, descriptions of possible side-effects, list of circumstances under which self must not take pills, and general, panicked self-exoneration from near certain death caused by taking pills? I mean, why not also sell matches on TV with repeated warnings not to play with matches or, indeed, use matches?

9:48
Lead Actress in TV Movie: Halle Berry (looks v.dire as Janey Crawford), Blythe Danner (my wife!), S. Epatha Merkerson (still getting her Piano Lesson on, all these years later), Cynthia Nixon (looks, sounds like Easter Bunny), and Debra Winger (not here, is probably calming Rosanna Arquette through major anxiety attack).

S. Epatha!! Big surprise, clearly delighted. Amazing speech opener, as she gropes her own bosom: "Oh my God, I actually wrote something, and I put it in my thing, and it fell down there, and I can't find it!" She isn't kidding. She keeps trying to feel the speech beneath her dress, somewhere around her breasts and stomach. Funniest speech of night, by long shot.

Jon Stewart attempts improv follow-up joke, which leaves wrong aftertaste.

9:50
Okay, listen, I'm only going to say it once: Jon Stewart is a little overrated. Was worried this would happen: Stewart's social consciousness has turned into a kind of schtick, which gets easy applause.

9:55
Montage of nominees for Comedy Series Writing reveals Raymond to be dog of category, though it took 11 people to do the work of 2.

Fantastic line from Arrested Development writers: "We would be remiss if we didn't mention that the Academy has now rewarded us twice for something that you people won't watch!"

9:58
Phenomenal, confident Kate Winslet ad for American Express.

Is it such a great idea to invite comparison between TV stars and Kate Winslet? Is there anyone alive who doesn't wish to be Kate Winslet?

Okay, second hour basically over. Best Dressed: Same people as before.