Live-Blogging the 2007 "Golden Globes"

Quotes used very advisedly. I don't think anyone really knows what to expect from this year's "press conference" from the HFPA, though I have heard disturbing rumors about the involvement of Ryan Seacrest. Is that true?? When I say that I am geared for the worst, what you should hear is: I can reach the bottle of Scotch from where I am sitting.

Let me say right out front, even as an awards junkie, that I am totally fine with the cancellation of this year's show. Though I realize lots of other wage-earning caterers and valets and designers and Who Knows What Else have been severely impacted by the axing of the telecast, I am fully sympathetic to the fact that the Writers Guild won't be taken seriously if the collateral damage of the strike isn't serious, and the demise of the Globes ceremony sure seems to have upped the ante on public perceptions of the WGA's conviction.

I know lots of people feel that this cancels a major, annual showcase for what the WGA does&#151enabling good feature films and TV series, by writing good scripts that deserve recognition. Still, as sad as I am to miss the chance to see what Tilda Swinton wears to a shindig like this (she arrived in '01, as a nominee for The Deep End, looking like a cross between Susan Sarandon in The Hunger and David Bowie, also in The Hunger), I say PAY ALL THE WRITERS, and THEN worry about recognizing the best of them with trophies.

This sentiment, by the way, has been brought to you by a website that has never negotiated a labor dispute or analyzed a Hollywood balance sheet; I hope you are duly reverent of my credentials for passing judgment.

But some things, I do know (a little bit) about. Like who deserves to win these Globes. And what the victories and losses might mean for Oscar chances. And when I am watching a dunderheaded, glued-together NBC telecast staffed entirely by people who know just as little about what makes a movie truly good as I know about guild negotiations... which is exactly what I expect to be doing as of 8pm CST. And since I haven't live-blogged anything for a while, and since I haven't commented at all about the Globes nominations since the day they were announced, I thought I'd work a real-time situation. Is anybody listening? Comment away...

7:30pm Well, check this sh*t out! NBC is already pimping pumping up the Globes telecast by talking to some of the nominees. And here's Nikki Blonsky, of Hairspray. It's hard not to feel bad for actors like Blonsky, whom it's hard to imagine ever being nominated for a Golden Globe ever again (or, for that matter, an Oscar, even this year). But then: I just saw Martha Stewart put a diamond collar on Blonsky's dog. Which maybe wouldn't sit well with me if I had written Hairspray (shout-out to Leslie Dixon!) and I wasn't getting paid any DVD residuals, while Nikki's dog Rocky is rocking the ice. Or maybe those were rhinestones? Either way. As Lady Macbeth said, Un-jewel that dog.

Though it is quite fetching to watch home-video footage of The Blonskys reacting to their daughter/sister's underdog nomination. Rocky's reaction is unrecorded, but Nikki upended her own coffee table. I'm happy for her. She's great in the movie.

7:38pm Here's Ellen Page, a dynamo in Juno. Deserving of all the acclaim, which I personally wasn't ready to say after Hard Candy. (Hey, NBC just said "dynamo," too! Do I have a blurb-whore career that I'm not even exploiting?) Not loving the Ellen Page makeup, but I love the talent. And I love that she's already smarter than the woman interviewing her ("Pregnancy... for many adults, their worst nightmare!") ("Juno isn't just entertaining, it's also [pause] thought-provoking.") I'm watching this interviewer fall asleep. But it's worse when she wakes up, because she starts comparing Ellen Page to Audrey Hepburn. Which Ellen Page is smart enough to call an insane comment.

7:51pm "Sally Field... turned those nautical winds [of Gidget] into headwinds, as her career took off!" Matt Lauer is a wordsmith. Oh, I forgot: the actual writers are on strike.

7:54pm Whereas Sally Field just deconstructed the word "g*ddamn." She's pretty articulate, without trying to prove how dirty and cool and un-Gidget she is, like she did way back when on Inside the Actor's Studio. Oh, and here we go. I guess we had to go over the whole "You like me" thing. Leave Sally alone! How tired must she be of this question? Maybe I just get cranky because it reminds me that Sally Field won an Oscar for Places in the G*ddamn Heart.

8:01pm Here we go!

8:01:05pm Tom Hanks already has four Golden Globes?? I'm already depressed.

8:02pm Replaying last year's opening montage. Shock cut to: empty pavement where a Red Carpet should be! And worse: Billy Bush! And Nancy O'Dell!!! GGGGAH!!! Wouldn't you rather look at bare pavement?

8:04pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOVIE
Will Win: Cate Blanchett, for I'm Not There, and for being a big star giving an impish, alive performance that still fits the heady style of the piece
Should Win: Tilda Swinton, for Michael Clayton, for redeeming a shit role into a barely equalled portrait of female masquerade, corporate terror, and moral crisis that's starting to recognize itself as such. Watching Swinton is like reading a good thriller, going to an acting class, and reading Joan Rivi&#232re all at the same time.
Actual Winner: Cate Blanchett. I'm officially on a roll!

8:04pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV ANYTHING The winner is Jeremy Piven for Entourage.

8:06pm BEST ACTRESS IN A TV DRAMA Anyone who just heard Patricia Arquette scream "Ten minutes!" should know why she shouldn't win. Ooh, Glenn Close is fierce! Holly Hunter is acting in an actual wind-tunnel. Winner: Glenn Close.

8:10pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV ANYTHING I love Rachel Griffiths. She's so funny and smart. I don't get Katherine Heigl. Samantha Morton is looking great and spooky in Longford. Winner: Samantha! OK, I'm officially sad to miss a speech. And an outfit. This girl has come to the Oscars in a T-shirt AND in some kind of armor-plated situation. We all lost just then. Except Samantha.

8:12pm BUT WAIT! That all happened so fast that I didn't even have a chance to EVOKE the HORROR of listening to BILLY BUSH and NANCY O'DELL discuss their feelings about each winner. Billy thinks Amy Ryan shouldn't have lost: "A 20-year career, a storied actress, two Tony nominations... whereas Cate Blanchett? At the end of the day, it's a woman playing a man." He also called Damages a "great movie." I can't even deal with tactlessness of the presenters of awards discussing whether the winners represent good or bad news. But I can say: BILLY BUSH DOESN'T KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT ANYTHING.

8:14pm BEST ACTOR IN A TV DRAMA This thing moves frigging fast! Jon Hamm in Mad Men. What is Mad Men? Nancy O'Dell is surprised. Billy Bush: "Imagine a man named Hamm being an actor!" Again: STRIKING WRITERS.

8:17pm BEST ANIMATED FEATURE Ratatouille. But they couldn't help showing the Access: Hollywood punchline from The Simpsons Movie. Billy Bush, by the way, has seen Ratatouille several times with his kids. Don't you wish all presenters said these things?

8:19pm BEST ACTRESS IN A MUSICAL/COMEDY
Will Win: Marion Cotillard, though she'll get a tough race out of Ellen Page
Should Win: I admit I'm biased toward Cotillard, because on two visits, her performance still impresses the hell out of me, not just technically but emotionally; those gestures aren't just imitative, they're enormously expressive, and complicatedly so
[Clips advertise how bad Patrick Dempsey is in Enchanted, and how bad Helena Bonham Carter is at singing. Double ouch.]
Actual Winner: MARION!! Yay. Billy: "You know, this was a tough one! And I need a haircut!" Nancy is pulling for Ellen Page.

8:21pm I have just realized how crucial writers are to live-blogging. Without all that inane patter padding out the shows, there's no time for my own craptastic would-be wit.

8:22pm An ad for that Ryan Reynolds movie. "For Will Hayes, love has been a catastrophe..." For me personally, Ryan Reynolds has been a catastrophe.

8:26pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE
Will Win: Javier Bardem, for turning himself into such an implacable force in No Country for Old Men
Should Win: Kinda nobody, because my favorite performance is Casey Affleck's in ...Jesse James, but it's so obviously the lead
[No clips, even though the ladies got 'em]
Actual Winner: Javier Bardem... who Nancy O'Dell claims used to be a stripper?? Among MANY OTHER QUESTIONS I just generated from this news... do you think he knows Diablo Cody?

8:27pm Billy Bush is proud of the Coen Brothers for grossing $45 million for a movie "even though they're so boutique." Dave Karger reassures us that even if we don't know who Marion Cotillard is, she is beautiful. Imagine, for a moment, beautiful Marion.

8:28pm BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MOVIE/MINISERIES Queen Latifah. But Nancy's mad that Debra Messing lost. Again, tact is ruling the day. Queen Latifah might be the nicest person alive, but wouldn't you love to see her pop Nancy?

8:29pm I AM ALREADY EXHAUSTED! I AM ALREADY STRESSED OUT! Telecasts shouldn't be like this. It's even worse because of the musical background: NBC keeps underlining everything with the sound of industrial mills grinding each other to bits.

8:33pm BEST ACTOR IN A TV COMEDY I haven't seen any of these shows except The Office, but I find myself rooting for Alec Baldwin. And against David Duchovny, because why would any show call itself Californication? Then again, I do have a soft spot for Lee Pace, because of Soldier's Girl. It'll prolly be Lee. Winner: David Duchovny? It doesn't count when I get one wrong if it's TV, cuz I don't even try to know.

8:35pm Billy Bush on Californication: "I wouldn't say it's a comedy? It's just... cool."

8:35pm BEST TV COMEDY Extras. Nothing to say, y'all. I'm flagging. Keep me alive! Pass me an orange slice!

8:37pm BEST ACTRESS IN A TV COMEDY Samantha Who? is exactly how I feel about Samantha Who?, even though I think Christina Applegate is a pretty genius comedienne. And I do have a crush on Tina Fey, even if that clip didn't totally work out for me. Anna Friel! I remember when she was going to be "it" in 1999, and then nothing happened. Yes, I just learned that she is on Pushing Daisies. Mary-Louise Parker sounds way less nasal than usual. Winner: Tina Fey, yay yay yay, especially because she's a big ol' picketing Guild supporter.

8:39pm Dave Karger: "Duchovny is the only guy who showed his butt in the show. I think that gave him the edge." Do I love this comment, because DK gets how stupid this all is? Or do I hate this comment, because it's part of how stupid this all is? And surely this won't mean that Tom Hanks has any chance to win. (If you haven't seen Charlie Wilson's War, do the math, and steel yourself.)

8:42pm Celebrity Apprentice: it's what's on in hell.

8:43pm BEST DIRECTOR
Will Win: The Coen Brothers for No Country for Old Men, and good on 'em, at least since they've never been to this podium before
Should Win: I'm about equally split on the Coens and Julian Schnabel, since they all leant considerable craft and stylistic panache to stories that were much less resonant than they might have been, with even wiser, deeper direction
Actual Winner: Julian Schnabel! No sh*t! That Oscar slot is looking guar-ohn-teed. Billy Bush doesn't even have a dumb comment to share here.

I did just remember that no telecast means no 3-hour tribute to Steven Spielberg. That warmed my heart a little.

8:45pm BEST ACTOR IN A MUSICAL/COMEDY
Will Win: Johnny Depp, for being everybody's favorite actor
Should Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman, for gorgeously underplaying and generously, tenderly sharing The Savages
Actual Winner: Johnny Depp. "Johnny's the man. He invented his character on Pirates of the Caribbean." I'm'a let you figure out who said that.

8:47pm BEST PICTURE (MUSICAL/COMEDY)
Will Win: Juno, I'm going to guess, though I know the HFPA does love their musicals
Should Win: I'm firmly in the Juno camp: smart and genuinely revelatory, since it doesn't wind up where it starts, and it goes where few movies go, and it's funny, and gorgeously acted
[Don't you just feel better every time you see a clip of Hairspray? And worse every time you see a clip of Across the Universe?]
Actual Winner: Sweeney Todd. Yeah, I felt nervous about that one.

8:49pm Nancy O'Dell: "The big one, Best Picture (Drama), coming up next!" They also said that 8:11. Also, by the way, it would seem that the telecast will not be including the Foreign Film or Score or Song or Screenplay awards. Or do you think they're going to pack seven categories into the last nine minutes? And to leave out the Screenplay category?? I WONDER WHY THEY DID THAT.

8:51pm Beyonc&#233: "I'm not infallible, but my lip color is." Nope, it's really the other way around.

8:52pm For the record, I'm guessing that the Juno script, the score from Atonement, the song from "Into the Wild," and Diving Bell were going to win those untelevised awards.

8:54pm BEST TV DRAMA Can someone tell me whether I really need to rent Big Love or Damages? And whether the last really is more than reviving "Look What a Bitch She Is!" misogyny? Cuz the clips always scare me a little. GGAH!! Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Definitely one of my enemies. Winner: Mad Men. The Globes are flicking off the networks.

8:55pm BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Will Win: Julie Christie, who may as well clear up three spots on her mantel now: Globe, SAG, Oscar
Should Win: Angelina Jolie. Call me crazy, but she has an even tougher, subtler, more deceptively intricate job in A Mighty Heart. And look, here's a clip of her in a pool, in a see-through dress. How impressive, NBC.
[Keira Knightley is just so... blah in Atonement. Even in 10-second bits.]
Actual Winner: Julie Christie. Stifle your astonishment.

8:57pm BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis is probably untouchable
Should Win: And he probably should be, at least in this field. (Hint: I thought at least one actor was better in '07!) Viggo and George will have to console each other. I would love to be there for that.
[Way to go, clip-choosers, for seizing on George's best scene and Daniel's best scene. Even if you then opted for one of James McAvoy's worst. I guess you can't win 'em all. Viggo's performance hasn't aged as well as I thought it would with me, unfortunately. And Denzel's never even got started with me.]
Actual Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis. And here's Billy Bush's trenchant response: "He is an actor's actor!" I wonder what Billy thinks he is? Surely not a journalist's journalist? Or a stooge's stooge? Who is Billy's constituent base?

8:59pm BEST PICTURE (DRAMA)
Will Win: No Country for Old Men, if the HFPA doesn't go all pro-gewgaw and pick Atonement
Should Win: There Will Be Blood. Not a perfect movie, but by far the most ambitious of these seven, and by far the most willing to put every facet of filmmaking craft in the service of its story and its vision.
Actual Winner: The Great Debaters! Just kidding. Atonement.

9:01pm GGGGAH!!! American Gladiators! Shutting the TV off, and clicking over to IMDb to learn that No Country got Screenplay, "Guaranteed" from Into the Wild got Song, Atonement got Score, and Diving Bell got Foreign-Language Film. So: I screwed up on Best Picture (Drama), Best Picture (Musical/Comedy), Best Director, and Best Screenplay, but I got everything else right on the movie side. Another way to say that: I goofed on the four awards that you would most want to win if you were a movie, but I represented elsewhere.

Best Dressed: George Clooney. Seriously, PROVE ME WRONG.

Thanks for reading, and for leaving so many comments. I'm eager to go read them!