Sunday, February 24, 2013

Live-Blogging the 2012 Academy Awards

11:02: Did I just say Ben Affleck gave the speech of the night? I briefly forgot about Daniel Day-Lewis. I promise to never do that again. Good night again, everybody!

11:01: This song for all the losers is really getting Emmanuelle through this difficult moment. And whatever Kristin's been product-placed here for all night, it feels well and duly advertised.  Good night, everybody!  Are you a loser? Here's to the Losers!

11:00: Ben Affleck wins speech of the night, right? I don't care how rehearsed, sincere, or rehearsed-sincere it is (and it reads as pretty damn sincere to me).  It's wonderful.  Maybe not what I'd dream of if I were his wife "working on their marriage, and it is hard work." But otherwise? Lovely.

10:57: Grant Heslov, between Ben Affleck and George Clooney: "I know what you're thinking: 'Three Sexiest Producers Alive.'"

10:56: Michelle gives it to Argo.

10:55: Pecking order in the audience: John Travolta sits in front of Justin Theroux, who gets a better seat than Harvey Weinstein. Octavia Spencer is in front of Annapurna Pictures empress Megan Ellison and next to some cute guy. Octavia's always got a cute guy at hand.

10:54: Michelle Obama!  If the First Lady presents Best Picture, does that count as crossing the boundary between Church and State?

10:53: Jack Nicholson didn't want to die with Crash as the last Best Picture he announced.


10:52: "The mysteriously beautiful mind, body, and spirit of Abraham Lincoln." Daniel Day-Lewis is just so lovely. The tribute to his wife is beyond

10:49: If forced to pick between a third Oscar and getting hugged by Meryl Streep? Or even winning a first Oscar or getting hugged by Meryl Streep? Where would you go?

10:48: They of course picked the first processing scene for Joaquin Phoenix, which briefly incurs him all the good will in the world, until he harrumphs all through his close-up in the audience. Picking lint off his knee, or whatever.

10:47: Meryl extemporizes a lovely tribute to the tremendously high caliber of the Best Actor field, though it does have the unwtting effect of making the Best Actress contenders seem rather less championed.

10:45: Meryl has traded her gold dress from last year for a silver one, and is not above scratching at her ass a little. Which is why we lurve her.

10:44: Well. Durn it.

10:43: Quvenzhané is The Man! She is The Man! She is The Man!

10:42: Best Actress. Jean Dujardin says it best: "If I were an actress, I'd be a better actor." Jessica Chastain's clip is from Elizabeth: The Golden Age.

10:41: Well, now look who's trying to say nice things about Jean Dujardin!  Yes, Seth, we've all forgotten.  Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart is looking full-on Last Exit to Brooklyn.

10:38: Someone seems to be bearhugging David O. Russell by way of consolation as the camera cranes away.

10:37: Ang Lee thinks Taiwan, India, and Canada, but ends with his agent and lawyer. Why does everyone always laugh when people thank their lawyers?

10:35: Ang Lee wins, which I guess isn't technically a surprise, but the standing ovation feels like a surprise. Bruce Cohen's truly insane outfit gets a little more screen time on Ang's way up the stage.  It's sweet that everyone's willing to stand for Ang when you have to believe a lot of them are standing there thinking, "Why aren't you Benjamin Affleck???? How dare you?"

10:34: I don't mind Jane Fonda's dress as much now that it's up here under these lights. 

10:33: The Gone with the Wind music ushers in Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas, because once you're in your seventies, you may as well be in your hundred-and-twenties. (They're here to present Best Director. Go, Zeitlin!!!!!)

10:30: What do you guys suppose Emmanuelle Riva thinks about Django Unchained?

10:28: We're already well past the flush-faced part. And it is pretty grim while he sort of extemporizes a paean to his own fantastic ability to create phenomenal characters.  But he pulls it back nicely enough with a tribute to all of the other writers in both Screenplay categories. So, when it comes to Quentin, I will take what I can get.

10:27: Quentin Tarantino sidling up to the stage to collect his Original Screenplay Oscar just portends something flush-faced and terrible.

10:25: Chris Terrio (Argo) is a tiny little pocket-sized person who adorably radiates his love for all the right people, including Tony Kushner, whom he had the good sense to hug on his way to the stage.  And there went Mark Harris!  So, that was good for something. If not precisely for the art of screenwriting. (Sorry.)

10:24: Please back me up that, faced with Dustin and Charlize, we're all thinking a little about The Queen of Versailles.

10:23: Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron are here to present the Screenplay awards, and that reminds some camera person of Halle Berry.

10:22: These commercial inserts of the orchestra playing somewhere in Guantanamo are so bleak.

10:17: Amy Adams—squatting in her mound of gray tulle like she's just been cast in Beckett's Happy Days, right there in the front row—shoots a two-second look of pure bliss at newly-minted Oscar winner Adele, but then it's over, and she goes back on Stand By.

10:15: Norah Jones is here to sing the song from Ted, in which she was hilariously and unexpectedly profane. She looks more Garland At Carnegie than I ever thought she would. Inexplicably, Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are not waltzing around her.  Jacki Weaver and John Hawkes aren't even waltzing around her. No waltzing whatsoever.

10:13: And now Best Original Adele. Latifah has been struck down by the great Exposed Seaming epidemic, as well as the Radical Iron Shortage of 2013. Zellweger has been stricken by these as well, but it's so far down the list of what's gone wrong for/with/at/around her.

10:10: For Original Score, I guessed Life of Pi. And the winner is... Life of Pi.  But the real story here is: Can Renée Zellweger not read??  When prompted by Richard Gere to read the envelope, she just panicked.  I feel like I'm watching In Her Shoes?  Is that possible?

10:09: Why do so many of the tributes seem so arbitrarily strung along all through the show, instead of compressed at once? I thought we'd spent our time with the Chicago people, but here they are again.  It's like seeing Richard Gere and Queen Latifah in a George Romero movie.

10:05: Barbra's sense of style remains ...unusual, and her gift for patter is ...not a gift, but she sure shows Zeta-Jones and Hudson a thing about over-singing. She invented over-singing, way back at Stoney End. The huskiness of her late-career voice is itself rather poignant, in a way that profits the In Memoriam section. You have to give that to her.

10:02: Barbra Streisand, dressed a bit like Doug Jones playing an Oscar-winning sound editor, is here to sing "The Way We Were" in honor of the deceased Marvin Hamlisch, as we knew she would.

10:01: I am still not even remotely ready for Nora Ephron to be gone, and it's been eight months.

9:59: I assumed the audience mics had been turned off for this segment, but Adam Yauch proves that they're definitely on. Had no idea Richard Robbins had dies; he composed the score for The Remains of the Day, which is easiliy one of my favorites since I've been going to movies. Classy to see Andrew Sarris in here. The Out of Africa score is a good choice of accompaniment, though I could listen to this at virtually any time.


9:58: I feel like George Clooney tilts a little too far into unctuous to be an ideal In Memoriam host. 

9:56: Is anyone out there? Are you feeling the energy? Don't worry if you aren't: In Memoriam is coming!

9:54: The set is now full of glassy, circular motifs, like that time Julianna Margulies wore that plaster body-cast with big, see-through, basalt stones to the Emmys.

9:51: As you know, it is impossible to understand Penélope Cruz, Salma Hayek, or Javier Bardem, because they are from elsewhere. Seth MacFarlane's hosting has turned into some kind of sitcom version of Crash. He's just ticking off people to make crushingly stupid and proudly prejudicial comments about. I don't even care that he obviously has his heart in the right places "in real life." What's to be gained from acting like an imbecile and expecting us to trust that he doesn't really mean it?

9:50: Rick Carter and Jim Erickson win Production Design for Lincoln, which is a lovely surprise, even if I never quite worked out whom I'd have voted for. I just realized during the last couple weeks what an amazing set decorator Jim Erickson is, but of course he's not here. Why is he not here? 

9:48: Daniel Radcliffe is back again, with the limping, visibly bruised, and bloodshot Kristen Stewart. I mean, your guess is as good as mine, but I feel like mine is pretty effing good.

9:47: You all realize, right, that if Leonardo DiCaprio had managed to get nominated, he'd have won? Do you realize how close we all came?

9:44: Here's Nicole Kidman, to read another Coscto TriplePak of Best Picture nominees.  Nicole got all the tough-sell movies: Amour, Django, and Silver Linings Playbook. You can pretty much feel that she loves the Haneke movie about 10 times more than the others, but she's still so totally charming and sweet.  If she could crumbo, she'd be Adele.

9:42: I'm trying to remember the last time I really crumboed.

9:40: Did the camera just catch Jamie Foxx praying to Adele?

9:38: Adele is Mom-dancing the shizz out of this. Mom-swaying, even. (Is that still the Gay Men's Chorus crooning behind her, underneath under the digital Kool-aid?)

9:37: I am getting Full Adele Realness warbled at me from an off-white room in Argentina, which is more than anyone in LA can say. I am feeling you, Tim and Rachel!  Let fly with a big vowel!

9:36: Adele is "unstoppable," which isn't quite an adjective I'd want, but when you're invincible, which is a better word for Adele, who cares what They say.

9:35: The cut to Ben Affleck looking teary-eyed is a perfect illustration of that editor's trick that Sandy Bullock just divulged 60 seconds ago.

9:34: Thus spaketh Nick's Flick Picks: It's Argo. Pretty much all of LA is hanging on my words right now, but that's only because my predictions are so daring.

9:32: Sandra Bullock is here to introduce Film Editing, which one assumes is headed into the hands of William Goldenberg for the cheesy cross-cutting and strangely truncated subplots of Argo.

9:29: Harvey Weinstein runs to pee the second Hawk Koch comes out to celebrate the new Academy Museum of Motion Pictures. We're getting all kinds of odd cuts to people nobody recognizes, because no one seems clear whom to pair with Hawk Koch. One old lady is eating a bunch of nuts in the same dress Sally Field is wearing.

9:24: Anne Hathaway points adorably at the statuette on her way to receive it, but doesn't get the applause she intends when thanking her fellow nominees. Tom Hooper gets no more time in the speech than just about anyone else. Hooper looking miffed, and apparently sitting on the Mi-No and Nu-Pa encyclopedias. She ends with more or less the hang-in-there comment to the real Fantines of the world that we had no choice but to expect. I feel bad for the girl. That was a super play-it-safe, thank-your-lawyer sort of speech, but she's been forced right into that corner by all of you who loathe her. I am not responsible, since I detest only the film, not her.

9:22: I'm just so sad about Hathaway's Goldmember bustline. Hunt's clip is the first to ever feature the line, "He's never seen female genitalia before, and seems quite frightened at the thought of it," which sorta doubles as a diagnosis of Seth MacFarlane.

9:21: Half of Amy Adams's clip is Philip Seymour Hoffman's back, which is maybe why she gets a thumbs-up from his kid. Sally Field's clip is her Gollum bit on the carpet.

9:20: Now, to present Best Anne Hathaway, Christopher Plummer. I swear, there are even more candles than there were before. We're full-on Green Room by now. That's some Truffaut Humor for all y'all.

9:19: Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway is back in the pink tragedy, just in time to win for Les Mis. At least this occasions a halfway-decent Sound of Music gag. Derek, where r u???

9:17: The second winner is Skyfall, with the same man-and-woman pair who won for The Bourne Ultimatum five years ago.  Clearly, the path to victory is paved with long, blond hair, which is more or less what the Tangled people won a Sci Tech Award for. Everything comes together.

9:16: YAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! I love ties!!!!!!!!!!!!! First up, Zero Dark Thirty, which is the winner I predicted. Somehow, Ted resists the urge to ask Paul N.J. Ottosson about torture.

9:14: Here comes Best Sound Effects, I'm assuming. Following this absolutely delightful Secret Synagogue, only-Jews-work-in-Hollywood gag.

9:12: Best Sound, to be decided amongst Shouty Arabs, Les Mizzerah, raging oceans, Congress deep in thought, and crashing Tube trains. Les Misérables takes it, whicih means Greg P. Russell just became a 16-time-loser just now. Super bleak.

9:11: Here are Mark Wahlberg and Ted, whom I hold out some hope for, but Bradley Cooper's mom definitely does not.  (Mrs. Cooper is turning out to have way better judgment than I do.)

9:10: Avatar won some kind of award for simulating the movement of muscle and fat. The technology that brought you the movement of hair in Tangled was also recognized. (No one's hair, obviously, is moving tonight.)

9:09: We're at that point in the show where, at every commercial break, you think back to other Seth MacFarlane jokes that have sorta pissed you off.

9:08: Worries have full-on metastasized that ABC does not have the same contract with Abilify that NBC has.

9:04: Hugh just keeps belting away ("One day maaaawwww!!!!"), and Helena Bonham Carter stands there being out-shouted. Sacha Baron Cohen appears to be here under duress.  Suddenly, we are all in Hoboken. Tony Kushner, the room's resident Theater Ambassador, is being a good sport and clapping.

9:02: America, Anne Hathaway has changed! Into Goldie Hawn's nightgown from the '93 Oscars, underneath an even shorter nightgown, but it is at least otherwise than it was outside.  At least 20 pounds have been chiseled away from Samantha Barks, which she had no need of losing.

9:01: And here comes the Les Mis set, complete with flash-cuts to mad sprints down slanted floors.

9:00: Hudson is at least the Dijon of shouty over-singing, whereas Zeta-Jones is basically the Gulden's.  She isn't quite the French's yet, but wait for Oscar 2022.

8:58: Jennifer Hudson's "I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going" pays splendid tribute to the art of the movie musical by being shot against a bare stage with two half-dead Klieg lights and some wire.  It looks like the living room after the Grinch has taken everything except a wee bit of wire. The red spots aren't fooling anyone, Zadan.

8:57: That sound you hear is all 46 people in the auditorium thinking, "Yeah, I really shoulda voted for The Pianist."

8:56: Catherine Zeta-Jones's career as an over-singer steamrolls ahead! But I admit, I've never seen her, or anyone, pay such overt public tribute to Billy Zane's drag act. I thought that was Encino's best-kept secret!

8:55: Travolta proves why he lost the Foreign Film presenting gig by saying sump'm 'bout Less Mizzurabless.

8:54: The orchestra has apparently been piped in from some kind of call center in Century City.  We are briefly allowed to perceive the call center.

8:53: AMPAS, having briefly tricked us, confirms that they really see no way forward through the Best Foreign Film presentation without showing Salma Hayek at some point.

8:51: Garner is giving "Mich-high-el Hannukah" Realness. She prepared for Best Foreign Film.  It's Amour. Sit back and be stunned.  Haneke now has an Oscar to go with his too Parms Dorz (Dan in Real Life).

8:51: Jen Garner and Jess Chastain are hear to ask me publicly to be their best friend, to which I am screaming my assent. I will!

8:50: We're back from commercial. MacFarlane is still hosting. So.

8:47: MacFarlane announces that Anne Hathaway will be coming up soon, by which I assume he means Best Supporting Actress is about to be presented.

8:46: The Jaws music plays again, and everyone in the audience visibly hates it. It's their way of impersonating a Kidman-Urban, which is a temptation I totally understand.

8:45: Nope, it's Sugar Man, and not even Naomi Watts can be bothered to clap. Sugar Man is a great documentary if you're into 60s folk-rock and March of the Penguins.

8:44: Benjamin Affleck's Seriousness is confirmed at last by his presenting Documentary Feature, probably to Sugar Man but hopefully to Plague.

8:43: So, like the Bond tribute, the MacFarlane monologue is just going to be spread liberally across the evening, like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

8:42: Is that what you do? After you say something tacky and unfunny, you just say "Ben Affleck" to get everyone on your side?

8:41: I'll tell you what, throw them together in a montage, and Argo certainly doesn't look flattered by cinematographic comparison to Lincoln or Zero Dark Thirty.

8:40: I just feel in my heart that Anne Hathaway's coronation will happen within the next five minutes.  Do you think she has swapped outfits?  Is it too late?

8:36: Liam Neeson somehow gets stuck introducing Lincoln, a movie he almost got to make. Is that okay? Is that not okay? Spielberg would never tell, but maybe with the right martini, Capshaw would...

8:38: The camera cuts back to Seth MacFarlane, while Andrea Nix Fine attempts to squeal out more of her speech. She, too, sounds like she is having a hood thrown over her head, just barely out of the frame.

8:36: Documentary Short goes to Inocente by a married couple called the Fines.  The Tatum-Dewans tried to annex that name, but it turned out these two already had it, so. What are you gonna do?  I literally cannot remember what I picked in my office pool. Not that I have an office pool. I don't gamble. I don't even have a job. Don't listen to me. This lady was homeless a year ago.  Think about her!

8:34: Curfew takes it, and the filmmaker is again seated in some sort of offstage, second-storey penalty box.  Perhaps he was found guilty of icing shortly before the telecast? His name is Shawn Christensen, and he is acting like a Hunger Games contestant who will be assassinated if he goes six seconds too long. Tony Kushner gets caught rolling his eyes. Who knows at what?

8:33: Jamie Foxx's bowtie is sparkly. As ever, the banter-writers can't quite commit to celebrating or ridiculing the Live Action Shorts. I guessed Henry, pretty blindly.

8:32: Now the set is made of movie projectors. Which were pleasingly easy to acquire, because no movie theater in America is allowed to use them anymore!

8:30: What do you think has been Emmanuelle Riva's favorite part of the ceremony so far?  My money is firmly on Captain Kirk.

8:27: Shirley keeps doing The Freddie Quell, popping her hands on her hips and throwing her shoulders right out.  You keep Quelling it, Shirley B!  And then she nailed her final notes to the wall, in a way that Emmanuelle Riva probably couldn't.  So, all is good now.  Stacy Keibler is totally into this.

8:26: Shirley Bassey's here, but they've made her seem kind of ... sad?  Adele's going to pop out here and blow her through an archway, like she's the plantation mistress in Django. Is that considered a form of respect?  Does America think this is Emmanuelle Riva?  Do they think it's Maya Rudolph?

8:24: So, here's the part where Oscar a) all of the below, b) quasi-apologizes to a movie it feels it should have nominated for Best Picture but didn't, c) scores a hell of a check from MGM/UA, or d) kills a lot of time to make sure that no uppity Visual Effects Supervisor gets to complete a sentence.

8:22: Halle Berry shimmers out to introduce the Bond tribute. She's got some square shoulderpads up on her.  The music of the 007 franchise is, and I quote, guaranteed to "make your heart freak bast 'er."

8:20: Makeup, which will presumably go to Les Mis's pulled teeth and zombie hookers, because the latter was such a tasteful and empathetic choice.  Indeed, Les Misérables takes it. The makeup designers are being kept in some sort of Alternate Viewing Pen around the side of the stage. The Oscar-winning makeup doyenne has a chopstick in her hair.  One of these ladies devised the greatest Cat Lady of all time in Notes on a Scandal. Which one do you think it is?

8:19: Jacqueline Durran wins for Anna Karenina! She has styled and outfitted herself in explicit homage to Phyllis Logan's getup at the SAG Awards.

8:18: I'm guessing Anna Karenina for Costume Design, because you guys, the bustles were pointed.

8:17: Guy Lodge is currently in some sort of State, while Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum co-present and talk about waxing.

8:16: The set has changed again, and now looks like a dead ringer for the one where Howard Beale gets shot. But, with wigs?

8:13: Okay, so those guys aren't broke, but the people at Rhythm & Hues who work for them are insolvent. But you'd never know, because they get played off by the Jaws soundtrack. At least the Kidman-Urbans understand that this is hostile and impolite. Hey, I wonder if the Kidman-Urbans are going to make it tonight?

8:11: Life of Pi indeed wins it, though I gather there has been quite a bit of controvery among the F/X community about this: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2013/feb/25/oscars-protest-life-of-pi. Meanwhile, these guys on stage have gone totally bankrupt. So, who deserves your sympathy? You decide.

8:10: Visual Effects is up next. We know Life of Pi gets this, right?  These are the wizards who briefly made you believe that one of the Avengers was a woman!

8:09: Claudio immediately goes full-on Hal Ashby and says something about "being totally into Ang."

8:08: As I predicted, Claudio Miranda wins Best Cinematography for Life of Pi. Claudio is probably best known to you as that lady with the mailbox in Donnie Darko.

8:07: We have achieved a landmark moment where Robert Downey Jr. makes his own stale jokes about his prior addictions. Is that, like, the eighth step?

8:06: I don't know, something about cinematographers being like shamans and $600 million grosses being proof of artistic merit.

8:05: Seth scores with his first good joke (Quvenzhané doesn't want "to lose to that old lady, Jennifer Lawrence"), but immediately kills the momentum with a Clooney the Cradle Robber crack.

8:03: Reese was here to introduce Les Misérables, Life of Pi, and that movie where Bradley and Jacki were black and struggling, Beasts of the Southern Wild.  Bradley Cooper isn't just playing Hushpuppy. He became her.

8:02: What, you guys? Absolutely anyone would cut to Bradley Cooper, Robert De Niro, and Jacki Weaver to illustrate the TelePromTer line about "a struggling African American family." You can be facetious about it if you want, but you would have done the same.

8:01: Even Reese is featuring some flagrant Seam Action in the back of her dress.

8:01: "Making any movie involves its own story." Including the part of the story where this lady got fiyert, but I'm guessing all is forgiven now that she's got an Oscar for it.

8:00: I guessed Brave for Animated Feature. It goes to: Brave! Send me your checks, subjects!!

7:59: Paperman is about how sometimes one man sees a woman he doesn't know and immediately throws 1,000 paper airplanes at her because only she can be The One.

7:58: I'm guessing Adam and Dog for Animated Short, which goes to: Paperman.

7:57: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy. So finally, the Charm Needle is registering. Almost for the first time tonight. I wish Melissa's hair weren't inspired by that year Jane Fonda won for Coming Home, but I like the dress.

7:55: Commercial for that Radha Mitchell vehicle we've all been desperate for. Even in the ad, she's upstaged by her dead husband.

7:52: Benh Zeitlin is seated two or three rows behind Quentin Tarantino, proving again that somehow being snubbed was somehow a pecking-order advantage this year.

7:50: And Best Supporting Actor goes to: Christoph Waltz. He seems even more moved this time than last time.

7:49: I'm guessing De Niro, but I'm prolly wrong.

7:48: Octavia Spencer has varied the silhouette, the palette, and the wig from all those chic appearances last year, and this new routine is working out, too. Way to go, O!

7:47: Daniel Radcliffe is inhabiting some kind of Anti-Audition Space where he's aiming to show us that he can't dance.  It's some kind of Tom Hooper, don't work with me demonstration. Which, you can understand.

7:46: Anyone who predicted a Sex With Sally Field bit has just won $85 from their co-workers.

7:45: MacFarlane just risked a dig at Adele, and I assume that's going to work out about as well as that time James Cameron dinged Meryl Streep.

7:44: Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt attempt simultaneous handstands. Think of that as a Rorshach. Make of it what you will. Nobody's got anything you haven't got.

7:42: Even Samuel L. Jackson doesn't think this is funny, and let's think about his standards.

7:40: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are doing some form of dance around Seth MacFarlane, and neither one is wearing what s/he was wearing on the red carpet. I'm sure this pertains to something. If Debbie Allen were behind this, there'd at least be a burning car, or a contortionist, or it would be under the sea.

7:39: Even Tim Burton doesn't think this is funny, and he thought Alice in Wonderland was funny.

7:37: Cuts to the audience aren't helping. Everyone looks horrified. Kathryn Bigelow even looks like she might throw up a little, and think about what she's seen that's ostensibly worse than this!

7:36: I can tell you from photo evidence that at least two people in Argentina are gripping their foreheads. Helen Hunt is not doing that precisely, but her expression conveys disdain. I mean, particular disdain.

7:34: "Free Don Cheadle" joke of course heads straight into Django Unchained. And then a domestic violence joke.  And now an N-word joke. We're at the cutting edge!

7:33: Everyone spending their lives in waiting for an edit joining Seth MacFarlane to Emmanuelle Riva is now beyond gratified.

7:32: I feel as though this theater seats about 44 people. There are three times more candles than people in this auditorium.

7:31: Steven Spielberg takes a back seat to Tommy Lee Jones? Is that like a humble brag?

7:30: And we're off! It's that room in Bram Stoker's Dracula where Winona Ryder cries diamonds!

7:29: If God cares about us, Tim will be able to see an Abilify commercial from Buenos Aires. Which will prove, we really are One World.

7:26: Are Seams the new thing in Hollywood? Is everyone suddenly about piece-work?  Does this have to do with Fantine?

7:24: I repeat, they have not won.

7:23: Oh, NO. Renee Zellweger has been dredged back from the land of Case 39. She is still squinting, right there in the last eight scraps of gold cellophane she could find in the bunker where she's been. But the terrorists have not won. They have not beaten the whisper out of her!

7:22: Kristin Chenoweth is just beyond thrilled to really be standing here with Craig Zadan and Neal Meron, the executive producers of the telecast. You can imagine how she feels. I mean, screw Jane Fonda, right?

7:19: To prove that the Oscars really do bring the world together, I'm watching on Skype with Tim Robey and his friend Rachel over Skype, while they luxuriate in Argentina. Say hi to Tim and Rachel, you guys!

7:18: Kristin Chenoweth, clutching her kidney area, is now trying to pass off her feelings as "Butterflies." But we know it's second-degree techno-murder.

7:17: Daniel Day-Lewis has gone full-on Thompson Twin. Say your thanks now.

7:15: Kelly Rowland: "Jamie Foxx is here with his daughter Corinne. Did I say it right, 'Corinne'?" Can we make sure we don't get her near Quvenzhané?

7:14: Anne Hathaway wins the "What's in the BOXXXXX???" challenge. America finally exhales.

7:13: Somebody send Anne $50 for an iron! Sweetie, you're going to win. My dreams are crushed.

7:12: CAN ANNE HATHAWAY NOT AFFORD AN IRON???

7:09: Kristin Chenoweth demonstrates her impeccable timing by asking us to tweet our Best Dressed votes during a shot of the Ernst & Young accountants. Or Price Waterhouse. Whoever. You know who I mean.

7:07: Every single audio channel is on simultaneously on ABC. Sandra Bullock is reverberating everywhere, as if she is a deity. Which.... you know....

7:06: It's nice to see that even during a recession (or whatever we're in), Stacy Keibler is holding onto that job of hers amazingly well.

7:03: Jennifer Aniston is wearing a color, which means - what? Apocalypse? 

6:59: As we head into the next phase of the evening, I want you to know that as a show of hope for Amour, I have deliberately flooded my hallway in two inches of water. And as a totem of good luck for Beasts of the Southern Wild, I just kept flooding it.

6:56: This evening has already failed as any kind of consensus referendum on how to pronounce "Seyfried."

6:55: Daniel Radcliffe can't figure out why he was asked just now about the horsemeat scandal. He is totally perplexed. He has a) forgotten Equus, and b) underestimated just how wrong reporters can be when they think they're being clever.

6:53: Does Robert De Niro have a black eye? Did Eddie Redmayne give it to him during their salon date?  Did they never actually leave the house, and therefore fight over the Urban Outfitters Bedhead Creme?

6:52: Chris Evans is here with his Mom as his date because he is straight.

6:51: I run to get something in the next room, and Hugh Jackman is picking up Kristin Chenoweth, and his wife is dressed like some form of rock producer. What is happening?

6:47: Every year they try to pitch this Thank You Cam.  I'm supposed to watch a "Thank You Cam." Kitties, the Oscars telecast IS A THANK-YOU CAM. Let the royalty speak!

6:44: Girl, nominees are forced to make love-ending choices within their families about whom they're able to bring with them to the Oscars. Limited seats and all that. So what are these random joes doing getting an invite? At least one of them looks stone crazy, to boot.

6:43: Oh, shoot. Charlize's dress has one of those trailing pieces of fabric in the back that looks like she's pooping silk. Et tu, Charlize?

6:41: Charlize's sweet dreams are made of THIS, honey.

6:40: Lara Spencer again wants to know which celebrity couples are going to Make It tonight. Now it's the Kidman-Urban household she's poking into. As it were.

6:40: Chenoweth's appendectomy continues, unabated. She is forcing all five of her fingers into the widening incision, desperate to plug it.  I feel weird watching Kristin Chenoweth die for beauty.

6:39: The Cooper mama, when asked what she's wearing: "I just pulled it out of the closet. I didn't go crazy." Girl, I shop at Target, too. I feel you!

6:37: I wasn't planning on this, so we'll be making this happen as we go along. But if Bradley Cooper's mama can go to the trouble of making a giant bolero out of a fuzzy pink anemone, I can take the trouble of doing a live-blog.

6:35: I just picked sound re-recording mixer Greg P. Russell out of a crowd in extreme long shot, and that makes me realer than real. Feel the heat.

6:32: To introduce a Year In Movies segment, EW's Jess Cagle invoked two films: Skyfall and Pitch Perfect. Which is what literally anyone would do.

6:31: Joseph Gordon-Levitt always looks like he's laughing at something that only he finds funny, and that might be a little bit tacky.

6:30: Yeah, sure, I'll do this. Because Amir Soltani asked!

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8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe singing to the 'Also-Rans' would have been in slightly better taste? And when have the Oscars ever had anything to do with taste, though...

Thanks for blogging tonight.

- Robbie Kendall

11:08 PM, February 24, 2013  
Blogger James T said...

That was lovely, Nick! Thank you.

5:35 AM, February 25, 2013  
Anonymous Peggy Sue said...

Thank you so much for this! You're so funny! Loved your comments regarding Helen and Jessica's clips.

5:56 AM, February 25, 2013  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved the Last exit: Brooklyn reference too!

9:30 AM, February 25, 2013  
Blogger Amir said...

This was a joy to read, as always.

My favorite bit:
That sound you hear is all 46 people in the auditorium thinking, "Yeah, I really shoulda voted for The Pianist."

Also, what has Bigelow seen that's much worse? I'm secretly hoping that's not about war in the Middle East but about the type of torture Tina and Amy talked about at the Globes. ;)

12:06 PM, February 25, 2013  
Anonymous Debby M said...

Best live blogging ever, even though I read it the next day! Sally Field's gollum moment made me almost choke to death with laughter.

2:26 PM, February 25, 2013  
Anonymous chexsystem said...



This is really good...using recycles papaer, boxes will make Lulu's chocolates eco-friendly. This is a good thought and initiative.

10:14 AM, June 28, 2013  
Blogger João Castro said...

Thanks for the awesome live-blogging, Nick!

10:01 PM, January 12, 2014  

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