Anticannes

Even if you thought you were following the Cannes reportage closely, you weren't. If you can't match these taglines to their proper films—and, God help you, if you can—you simply need to follow Tim's instructions and click over to this two-part Guardian catalogue of the scintillating wares being hawked in the notorious Market section of the festival:

"It's Our World. It's Their Island."
"Perhaps the Scariest Norwegian Movie Ever!"
"Someone Has Your Phone and Your Life."
(same film, same poster:) "His Voice Destroys Me"
"Shatter Your Belief in Reality"
"If You're Going to Play, You Need to Bring Your Balls"
"Payback Is a Bastard"
"Estonia's Lavishly Produced New Historical Thriller"
"These Guys Are the Hero of Recession Era?" [sic]
"He's Scarier. He's Hairier. He's Terrier!"
"Nice to Have Your Friends for Dinner"
"The Crystal Meth House Is Haunted"
"One Will Die for Every Incorrect Answer"
"Share This Story with Your Love, She Will Laugh with You"

Amidst all of this, the latest and laudably reviewed film by Hirokazu Kore-eda, which makes it all even weirder. And also the Junebug scribe is finally back, penning a policier for Robert De Niro and Edward Norton. And then, with even less hoopla, a Soderbergh-produced film with Michael Douglas, Susan Sarandon, Danny DeVito, and Mary-Louise Parker? What went wrong there? And why is Liliana Cavani, of Night Porter fame, making sunny-looking Einstein biopics?

Also: you're only hurting yourself if you don't click over my thumbnail image and relish not just the title and the premise but the headlining stars of this production. Out of the blue, indeed. Now, raise your hands if you're ready to admit that you'd rather watch Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Gnaw or whatever this is than Map of the Sounds of Tokyo or Johnny Halliday in Vengeance.

P.S. Too good to be true!! This debuts on DVD tomorrow, and as the 513th best-selling DVD on Amazon, which I'm sure you'll agree is Not Nothing.