Sunday, January 10, 2016

Live-Blogging the 2015 Golden Globes

10:01: "That's it. Sorry, we're out of time." That's Ricky Gervais from offscreen somewhere. Then follows it up with "From Mel Gibson and myself, 'Shalom.'" Hope you've all survived this live-blog. If you found it trying, frivolous, and repetitive, go put things in perspective. Sleep outside, inside an animal.

10:00: It's The Revenant, notwithstanding that The Revenant is terrible. So rather than focus too much on this, can we just have a moment here?  Iñárritu. Those diacritics over the letters are your best friends. They tell you just what to do. Iñ-Á-rritu. If we're going to have to go through this again in a month, which I'm not convinced will be necessary but suddenly looks more likely than it did a few hours ago, just practice!

Prediction: Spotlight. I thought so before the party started, and I still think so, since the Globes are no stranger to the Best Picture-with-no-other-wins thing. Even if The Revenant came out pretty strong tonight.
Preference: Carol, by miles, though I'd be happy with Mad Max or the Globe crowd. The Boston Globe.
Harrison Ford, who has lived another evening without offing himself  from sheer disgust at his vocation and its attendant frou-fra, is here to present it.

9:57: Seriously, though. "From The Hunger Games, Julianne Moore?" That's so messed up.

Prediction: Leonardo DiBisonLiver
Preference: A total and complete recall. I'd tick Fassbender's box (that is not a euphemism, I am not horrifying) but I'd be closing my eyes and thinking about Macbeth while I did it.
Of course Leonardo DiCaprio wins it, and everyone stands up and applauds, because he's the only nominated actor who literally died while making his movie. He does speak with eloquence, and not exactly his fault that his full-throated tribute to First Nations people and their lands doesn't sit all that well with the exoticizing and somewhat hoary depiction of them in the movie. You really get the feeling that people in that room have heard even worse stories than the rest of us have about how awful it got on that set. I assume DiCaprio's in a tricky position and he brings his speech off with class, even if I'm so over the whole thing. The only bit that amazes me is that Kate Winslet isn't crying. She's as steely and focused as Jacob Tremblay was during Brie's. Everybody must be too tired for euphoria.

9:53: It's Brie Larson, who immediately after hearing her name called gets kissed and hugged by Todd Haynes. Good moment. Great moment. Whoever she forgot to thank in her speech, she promises to write a thank you card to them. Spoken like a girl who's just spent a lot of time with the HFPA.

9:52: Eddie at least nails "Saoirse" and gives us all a pretty definitive take, I should think, on "Alicia Vikander."

Prediction: Saoirse Ronan, or as James Corden recently called her, Psoriasis Ronan
Preference: Rooney Mara, but obviously you can't go wrong with Cate. In fact, you can only go right with her.

9:48: Tally of off-key and off-putting trans-related jokes off the charts this evening. Including in the ads.


9:43: It's The Martian, which is kind of interesting to those of us who felt like The Big Short was going to come out big tonight. I think it hasn't won anything, right? Ridley Scott, celebrating the year in film: "We had the highest grosses ever this year. I think there were a few bombs. But mostly, we did really well." Ridley mentions how humbling it was when his multi-hundred-million-grossing movie got outgrossed by Star Wars. He gets into a competition with the directors, the sound people, and the camera people trying to play him off. Even Jamie Foxx's daughter looks like she's trying to edge his fellow producers off the stage. Big applause, though, for ending the speech with a note on his late brother Tony.

Prediction: The Big Short
Preference: Joy, which is way more interesting than you've heard, unless you've been listening to the right people, which it's extremely important to do. Try to make good choices in the new year!
Presented by two-time Golden Globe winner and noted Emma Stone fan Jim Carrey, with a beard. Facial beard. He gets some good laughs, making fun of his two past Globes, and I guess, like, the irrelevance of everything.

9:38: We're back. Wonder if Haynes is even still here? But Tobey Maguire is, to introduce the new movie by his P---y P---e Pal, Leo DiCaprio. Tobey refuses to advance through the TelePromTer until people give Leo an ovation. Everything is so out of control.

9:33: Maggie Gyllenhaal, co-star of Lenny Abrahamson's Frank last year, intro's Room. Brings some dignity to the room. Her dress could easily have tilted Havisham but doesn't. Brie Larson still aglow, seated at the table with les Washington and les Foxx.

Prediction: Jennifer Lawrence, with her soul sister Amy Schumer right behind her
Preference: Lawrence, though the big story here is that Maggie showed! Or, I thought she had. Wasn't she on the red carpet? In a wheelchair? I thought I saw her. Maybe I hallucinate Maggie.
Lawrence wins, thanks Russell, thanks Joy Mangano next, thanks "my hometown, Kentucky," ends by saying she hopes she and Russell can be buried next to each other.

9:29: Amidst this Xeljanz commercial, which is not the same as Xifaxan, but equally maybe-lethal, despite technically being a medication, I will just admit that even though I sure didn't think Haynes was winning a Globe tonight, it is hard to see Carol's direction lose to that movie's direction. Actually hard to see any of those directors lose to that one, for that film. And I like most of his movies!

Prediction: Viola, unless they don't want to send Outlander home empty-handed.
Oh, it's Taraji P. Henson!  This is the first thing Cookie's won, right? She starts handing everybody cookies on her way to the stage. Takes a couple of folks a second to get it. She looks and sounds pretty lit. Hair flyaways everywhere. Fabulous. They try to speed her up at one point and she lets them know she's waited 20 years for this, and if the NBC people hustle her up, they'll have to report to all the people on Twitter who've been praying on this. Instant compliance.

9:22: Alejandro González Iñárritu, whose accent marks, which explain how to pronounce the  name, everyone continues to consider optional. He struggled so hard on this movie that his Susan Sontag Streak is only more pronounced. He walks past the Haynes-Moore-Blanchett-Mara table, and this is the only time I haven't enjoyed looking at that table.

Prediction: Ridley Scott when the telecast started, but I could imagine any of them taking it
Preference: My friend Todd, obviously. You didn't seriously think I'd bypass that chance.

9:17: Lawrence vs. Schumer Death Match coming up, apparently, as soon as Chris Evans finishes a slurry, Stalloney introduction for Spotlight. Some un-careful sound mixing leads to audible woops still continuing over the start of the clip, as Liev Schreiber runs down the abuse stats.

9:14: Denzel has to cut his speech way short, because he didn't listen to Pauletta, who told him he needed to bring his glasses up with him. Then he wants her to read it, but she doesn't have her glasses, either. Three of their kids are up there, looking like, "For real, this is what we're dealing with all the time. And we flew here. We're taking sick days for this." But they look proud. Anyway, everybody pulls the cord and calls it a day. Jamie Foxx is shaking his head at the table they all shared, like, "You don't wanna— maybe just— you're just... okay, you're out. Whatever. Denzel."

9:12: Denzel brings his whole family on stage, which everybody seems to love. And it's good for him, too, because Pauletta keeps having to remind him where his son Malcolm is tonight and who he needs to thank. Denzel comes right out and tells a story about a time he won a Golden Globe after taking enough pictures with enough of the HFPA. Secret's out. Matt and Luciana love this.

9:09: There's a brief moment in the tribute montage when they try to convince you that Denzel is a laugh-a-minute, smile-a-minute kind of guy, but the editors give up after about ten seconds of that tomfoolery.

9:08: But where is Julia??? She's trying to love her life here, people!!  So am I!! Why is Tom Hanks doing this alone??

9:04: Tom Hanks does a sweet job introducing Denzel Washington, but a couple things are subtly weird. Making a point about how you can't copy Denzel, having just impersonated him twice. Making a point about how you can't steal from him ("This I know!") despite having won an Oscar for a movie where Denzel actually out-acted him. And, in his list of actresses who come to mind instantly based on their last names alone, he picks "Hepburn," which makes everyone go, "Which one?" (Except thinking, feeling people, who always assume you mean Katharine unless you specify otherwise. But you get my point.) I'm glad they at least score the first long stretch of the tribute montage to "He Got Game." Perfect.

9:01: Whatever dumb-show conversation found Jane Fonda cupping Terrence Howard's cheek so sensitively and seeming to forgive him for something? That's the conversation I want to hear. Lip-readers? Fill up the Comments, k?

9:00: If you're contemplating your mortality, the good news is that all we've got left are the two Best Picture awards, Best Director, three of the lead acting awards for movies (all the ones except the Matt Damon one), and Best Actress in a TV Drama. The less good news is that we also still have the Cecil B. De Mille award coming up. But unlike when I was a kid, they don't usually give that one the full four hours with intermission anymore. And Denzel's usually a pretty terse guy. Be strong.

Prediction: I mean, Mr. Robot feels most Globes-y, right?
It's Mr. Robot. Audience sounds pumped. On sheer look alone, it strikes me that Rami Malek could plausibly star in The Amir Soltani Story, if they're still casting for that. (Though they'll probably, you know, hire Eddie Redmayne.)

8:53: In a race to the bottom, Ricky Gervais has to introduce Mel Gibson, and they both come out the worse for wear. To top it all off, Ricky invokes Bill Cosby. Some other bout of scurrilous imprecation unfolds between them, funny-hating each other. Whatever it is makes Alan Cumming hide his face in giggly horror. I'd rather just forget all this. As Tim Robey would say Annette Bening would say, "It's just all...horrifying." Mel's here to introduce Mad Max, obviously.

Prediction: I think they'll go with Brian Wilson's "One Kind of Love," and if they don't, AMPAS still could
Preference: "See You Again," I was surprised to discover.
A very Mod-looking Katy Perry, star of Jacques Audiard's Rust and Bone, presents the award to "The Writing's on the Wall," about which I shall bite my lips. Except to say, I do not sense Stallone levels of collective affirmation from the audience for this win. But that could just be projection.

8:48: Superstore, the America Ferrara show, is hailed in its ad as "Monday's #1 New Comedy," which seems heavily qualified. The first two pull-quotes in the ad are actually "CLEVER" and "FUNNY," which seem lukewarm. But don't listen to me, please watch, NBC's life depends on it.

8:46: I get why people attempt cross-promotion, but this car ad with Derek Zoolander already feels exhausting. I can't imagine wanting to see 90 more minutes of this. One of those movies and one of those roles I'm never going to get.

8:45: The camera crew have developed a really poor habit of sticking to tight close-up in the quick montages preceding commercial breaks. Matt Damon's hugging some silver-haired guy, but I couldn't tell you who. Bernadette Peters loves somebody, but I can't say who. Katy Perry is ebullient around Eddie Redmayne, I can tell you that. 

Prediction: Queen Latifah, I'm thinking.
Preference: I'd love to hear a Dee Rees shout-out from the Globes stage, so: Latifah.
Lady Gaga, to whom I'm typically quite sympathetic, takes her win very seriously. Definitely a cryer. Pulls herself together, and then starts to lose herself a little again. Thanking everyone in the show for pulling her along. Leo is laughing about something as she nears the stage. Cate Blanchett's giving her the serious-faced supportive clap. Julianne smiles broadly at her. She's pulling Meryl Duty tonight. She's a beamer. Lady Gaga finds out the hard way even she can be played off.

8:38: Son of Saul wins, and Helen Mirren is Creed-level happy about it. She even pulls a Matt Lauer and gives us some spontaneous Globes history about how Hungary's never won a Globe. (Is that right? No Mephisto, nothing?) The announcer says that the director will be joined onstage by "lead actress Jayza Rory." I'm very happy for László Nemes, who even manages to save a sentence that begins, "You know, the Holocaust..." Well done.

Prediction: I'm going on a limb for Mustang, but Son of Saul and even The Club would make sense
Preference: Son of Saul, which I'm surprised is as polarizing as it is.
Oh, fun! Some banter about how Gerard Butler is a lunkhead and Helen Mirren is a sex goddess! You live long enough, and you hear everything at least once.

8:35: You already Googled Oyelowo's purple-and-black tux, right? Okay, now Google Jane Fonda's ...Situation. You might even have to use those words in your search: "Jane Fonda Golden Globe Situation 2016." It's ineffable, but wonderful.

8:33: Finally, the camera crew proves unable to resist a Kate-chats-with-Leo cutaway before a commercial break. But I'm more intrigued by the Quentin Tarantino-Will Smith conversation, with Jamie Foxx sitting not too far away. No, actually, I forgot, I don't want to know anything Quentin Tarantino would say.

8:32: Indeed, it's Gael García Bernal, who looks elfin and overjoyed. Julianne Moore couldn't be happier for him. You can tell which men in the audience are gay, easily, plain as day, based on how they're watching Gael make his way to the podium. If only any of the people we're most curious about were here tonight!

Prediction: I thought it'd be Aziz Ansari in a squeaker over Jeffrey Tambor, but the HFPA did tip their hand that they have a Mozart in the Jungle thing earlier on.
Preference: Suddenly pulling for Aziz Ansari, because he let himself be seen reading a book called How to Lose to Jeffrey Tambor with Dignity when his name was called as a nominee.

8:29: I can't be the only person who's wondering: what was the spread at the Steve Jobs party?

8:28: Wow. I was half-prepared for Ferrell and Wahlberg to have to hide some displeasure if Adam McKay lost to Tom McCarthy, but I didn't think anyone had to worry about Aaron Sorkin. But here we are. And they do, in fact, look displeased.

Prediction: The BIg Short, in an upset over Spotlight, maybe? Might depend who catered what at their Promotional Function
Preference: Carol, but since the HFPA didn't even go there (???!!), the fabulous script for Spotlight. Will Ferrell lectures the TV people seated way in the back for talking too loud and carrying on like "buttholes" while the movie people in front are trying to have a ceremony here.

8:22: "Neighbors reported that Mr. Davis seemed to be in perfectly good health, or at least reasonably good health, until a sudden spate of Dirty Grandpa commercials seemed to arrest all of his bodily systems at once. He leaves behind him a desk that is literally full of lists of movie titles that nobody else understands."

8:20: PLEASE let this copious outpouring of love for Stallone's win imply that everyone in Hollywood has watched their Creed screeners during the now-closed nominating window, and that they all did the right thing. In multiple categories.

Prediction: Mark Rylance, but I'd sure like it if Stallone pulled it out
Preference: Stallone allllll the way, so fingers are crossed.
Not only is it Stallone, but the room rockets into a standing ovation! Patricia Arquette's so excited she shows his name on the envelope to the camera. Everybody's standing except Kate Hudson (I'm not kidding) and Kurt Russell (supportive stepdad). Brie Larson is a giant sunbeam of smiley energy, right in the middle of the room. She's like the last scene of The Fountain, all by herself. But anyway, Stallone: he ends by thanking "my imaginary friend, Rocky Balboa, for being the best friend I ever had." It's the best thank-you since Mickey Rourke and his recently-deceased dog.

8:16: Brad Jolie-Pitt and Ryan Gosling-Davis introduce a clip from The Big Short. They pump up its comedy credentials by improv'ing a bit about how annoying and passive-aggressive Ryan thinks Brad is. If there were a Project Runway for presenter skits, they'd be safely in the middle, or maybe eke into the top three if there isn't too much competition.

Prediction: Inside Out
Preference: I preferred Inside Out to Anomalisa but saw no other animated features this year, so whaddo I know.
Yep, it's Inside Out. Nothing to report here.

8:13: Something clearly happened during the commercial break, because nobody will stop talking and cheering even as Kate Hudson and Kurt Russell try to introduce their category. Kate is SO drunk. Slurring, barely-standing soused.

8:12: I know gays are supposed to the ones RUINING THE WORLD FOR OUR KIDS! but I have to say, a very sweet ad about how the Affordable Care Act saved a gay couple from an appendicitis scare is followed by a Netflix about a Dad who's super bummed about having to play with his kids when he just wants to catch up on his shows. So.

8:10: House of Cards ad, entirely narrated straight to camera by Kevin Spacey, laying it on extra thick, and reminding me why I still haven't gotten around to that show, despite many other incentives. I call this kind of thing "I Can't Believe It's Not Acting!"

Prediction: Matt Damon, still wondering how he lost to Downey for Sherlock Holmes
Preference: Christian Bale, but ironically because he did the most and best work to make The Big Short less of a comedy.
Even Matt Damon doesn't get more than 29 seconds? Somehow, in the two seconds it took to pass him the award, Amy Adams manages to say, "Don't be a ----, thank your ----ing kids FIRST!" and he does. It's a very earnest speech, invoking the many movies he's made that nobody went to see and a touching tribute to Ridley Scott, not just from him but from everybody in his category and the other acting categories who've worked with him and love him. DiCaprio and Fassbender get the out-loud hat-tips, but the camera cuts to an overjoyed (and extra-handsome) Christian Bale, too. Ridley looks touched. Sweet moment. Oscar ballots are already in, but I suspect this is the sort of no-bull, class-act speech that woulda helped. We'll see on Thursday!

8:02: "Joy and Trainwreck. No, not the names of Charlie Sheen's favorite hookers." Check "Charlie Sheen" off your bingo cards. "J.Law" and "A.Schu," just in on a bus from Iowa, are here to introduce their Best Picture (Musical/Comedy)-nominated films. Whatever Amy said that got bleeped out was bad enough that even Cate Blanchett and Julia Louis-Dreyfus looked shocked, and they seem like tough cookies. They do a Brangelina/Bennifer-type improv about the names they eventually want when they're paired with their ideal mates. Amy wants to be called "AmyAllTheHemsworthses." But more of their badinage crashes and burns than I'm sure they expected. They look a little thrown. Still, the moment when Amy asked someone (a Washington?) to turn off their phone before her Trainwreck clip was pretty choice.

7:58: Eva Longoria's even in some of the ads that aren't for her show! People, do NBC a solid and watch one episode. They want this one so bad. Or else they're in Emergency Recovery mode. It's seriously getting poignant.

7:57: In the commercial break, Morgan Freeman swipes some dandruff off Harrison Ford's shoulder (sweet), but carefully leaves the cyanide tablet in place.

7:56: Jon Hamm wins. Surprises me. Surprises him, too. Arguably surprises Rami Malek. I know people were upset for years that he never won anything, but now that we've heard two of his speeches, I wonder if any of those people have recanted.

Prediction: Rami Malek, I'm pretty sure?
Preference: I'd be into that.
America Ferrara and Eva Longoria bring off the show's best comedy bit so far, about how neither of them, in fact, is Eva Mendes, Rosario Dawson, Salma Hayek, Gina Rodriguez, or Charo. They even manage to nail this repartee in the immediate aftermath of Ricky Gervais's introduction of them, which, you'll never guess, was deportation-themed.

7:52: OH GOD. Quentin Tarantino is accepting for Ennio Morricone. It's as horrible as you'd guess. He finds a way to say "ghetto" as part of his speech. Jamie Foxx isn't too thrilled, and called it out when he comes back to the mic to acknowledge his daughter Corinne Fox as Miss Golden Globes. Regina King wasn't feeling Quentin in general, either.

Prediction: The Revenant, but several of these could pull it off
Preference: Carol, but only by a tiny smidge over The Hateful Eight... which I would never say in any other context
Jamie Foxx thanks Will Smith, for nothing in particular, and Denzel Washington, for "loaning me the goatee." I think he's getting out in front of the NBC camera people, who he surely knows would cut to all the black people in the room no matter what he said. So at least he takes the reins of the Situation.

Prediction: Any of these guys could win! Mendelsohn, I'm guessing, but Slater seems plausible. Menzies, too. Any of them!
Preference: It'd be fun to see Alan Cumming, looking extra happy and adorable in his round glasses. Is he sitting with Jennifer Jason Leigh? Can you tell? I'll keep an eye out. Remember The Anniversary Party? Rent it!
Christian Slater wins for Mr. Robot, but not before Lady Gaga, presenting the award, gives a kind of acceptance speech of her own. She kind of Kanyes without even waiting for anyone to win before she takes it back.

7:44: McCarthy, Feig, and Jason Huntington-Statham are here to introduce Spy. Viola aside, we're pretty into letting the stars and makers of movies hawk their own wares tonight. Their "bit" isn't as funny as the best parts of the movie, but Statham-Whiteley puts Feig into a remarkable persuasive headlock, all of a sudden. For real, he did. Dressed in the same color family as The Rock, too, so he continues branching out and working with all the right people.

7:41: Flop-sweat is wafting off these NBC plugs for the Longoria show. It's clear that even the backstage announcer has been encouraged to invoke it as often as possible. Desperate Boosterism. Hoping Matt Damon is punching Ricky in the face backstage, then flying away at lightning speed, propelled by his wit.

7:40: "And this is for the memory of Nick." That is actually the last line of Oscar Isaac's short, sweet speech. He must be referring to the moment when he walked onto the stage and I died. How does he already know.

Prediction: I want to say Rylance, but they'll have another chance, so surely they can't deny themselves Oscar Isaac?
Yep, it's Osc... Wow. WOW, people. Sets. the screen. ablaze.

Prediction: Wolf Hall, maybe? Is that too solemn for the Globes?
Guess not. It's Wolf Hall after all. Peter Kosminsky's the director of that one? Did you ever see his movie The Cormorant, where Ralph Fiennes has, like, an amorous thing with a bird? Worth it.

7:34: Matt Damon introduces The Martian after a tired "How is it a comedy?" joke and a dismal "Your best friend is an adulterer" joke, after which he can barely pull it together. But he does mention that his character uses his "wit" (not wits) and "ingenuity," in that order, to get his ass off Mars. I can't wait to find out later tonight if my wit is also jet-propelling.

7:33: Brad Jolie-Pitt is playing a fantastic hair game tonight. He listens more assiduously than most to the Inspiring Speech by the head of the HFPA, who uses a "spotlight" metaphor for extra foreshadowing. Brad listens so closely. He's like the moral center of the ceremony. It's like a Plan B production, all its own.

7:32: I sort of like Ricky's jacket. See? I'm nice. Even with the kale.

7:31: NBC is working hard hard hard to sell the new America Ferrara and Eva Longoria shows. I'll just do my part by telling you that. They really want you to watch. "Consider."

7:30: Batman vs. Superman ad. Now that looks bad. Way, way, way, way worse than a matronly-adjacent dress.  Hey, home come I didn't get a Todd Haynes cutaway before or after that Carol clip?

7:28: I'm not implying Viola Davis looks bad! I'm not a crazy person. Her heavily bedazzled dress is just a tad matronly and a little...pyramidal.

7:26: Viola Davis, a gorgeous woman whose designer wasn't too interested in flattering her figure, comes out to introduce Carol, having been fascinating in a tiny part in Todd Haynes's Far from Heaven. I'm a little worried this is good as it's going to get for Carol tonight. But I'm always thrilled to see Andrew Upton at any ceremony. Andrew Upton, aka Mr Cate Blanchett, aka a theatrical giant in his own right, is the only living human anywhere near the Don Gummer Zone of Adorable Spousosity.

Prediction: I'm going to go with Transparent, although watch it be one of the newbies. What is Casual?
Mozart in the Jungle takes it, which I only know about because Amazon is always asking me to utilize my Prime membership and actually watch it, even once. Is that Saffron Burrows? Is that Jason Schwartzman? Gael looks good even by Gael standards, which is a challenge to contemplate, much less to take in.

Prediction: Rachel Bloom, I'm assuming, because I've never even heard of this show. In this Globes category, this usually works.
Yep, it's Rachel Bloom, and she starts out at Full Alice Ripley! She is screaming at us, but it's a cool story about how her whole show almost didn't happen.

7:20pm: Andy Samberg stole someone's Twitter joke about the guitar guy from Mad Max accompanying the In Memoriam.

7:18pm: Somewhere there is a golden mean to strike, where you don't belabor how hard your movie was to make like Leonardo and Alejandro have, but you maybe clue people in a little more often that the character you're playing had a strange accent that you're trying to approximate. An unfair rep keeps following Kate around, but I guess it's working out for her!

Prediction: Judith Light? Or maybe Regina King? Or Maura Tierney? I don't know?
Preference: How could I possibly say, but Judith Light didn't look thrilled about the presenters calling her character "selfish."
Maura Tierney takes it, and wins one for all of us in the Bespectacled Community. Thick plastic frames right up there on stage. Another lovely salute to her fellow nominees, though until I saw Regina King's table just now, I'd never considered the law of tact that apparently makes it hard to clap when someone beats your table-mate to an award.
Prediction: Alicia Vikander, in Ex ma-TCHEE-na
Preference: I'm really not pleased with my options here, but I'll go with Vikander's body of work.
But it's Kate Rocknroll for Steve Jobs!! Well, that's a surprise, right? She's as surprised as anyone else, gives a lovely salute to all the other women in film this year, and calls Aaron Sorkin "crazy." It's a sweet enough moment that you almost forget the amazing, tiered Situation that Jane Fonda is wearing.

7:08pm: Jonah Hill's been bleeped out twice by the time-delay -- no, three times, giving a monologue as the bear from The Revenant.

7:07pm: What role could Channing even be playing that explains that haircut?

7:05pm: Equal-pay jokes that are about 50/50 on the funny/tacky border. Melissa McCarthy frowns down the lamest one. But the cracks about the worthlessness of winning a Globe are pretty good. Including the one about how he uses one of his own as a sex toy. I won't retype it, because you'll be like, "Was it really funny, though?"

7:04pm: And now some timely Roman Polanski jokes. Maggie Gyllenhaal's turn to give him Amy Madigan Realness. Frown away, Mags! I'm with you.

7:02pm: Ricky -- actually, I was really and truly going to compliment him on an NBC joke, but we immediately got a transphobic nod to Caitlyn Jenner's "changes" this year. And now he's onto Tambor, and more hilarious trans-themed humor. And still more. Queen Latifah gives him Salma Hayek-level freezing-cold stare-down. Check's in the mail, Queen.

7:01pm: "Welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globe Awards!" They're almost old enough now that Jennifer Lawrence could play them! #OnFire But even this was better than Ricky Gervais's limp opening joke about Sean Penn.

6:58pm: The NBC crowd is all about J.Lo's dress, Jamie Foxx's emotional surges about his daughter being Miss Golden Globe, and Brie Larson's gold outfit. In case you wanted actual information. Depending how you define information.

6:56pm: Weight Watchers ad, also cruel in the context of the Globes: "Join for free now, and lose ten pounds on us." Is that a keepable promise? You don't pay anything till you're down ten? Hm.

6:54pm: When your dress is as fully breast-baring as Kirsten Dunst's, what's the point, even of pretending to have a top? She's got a whole dress on, yet she looks almost exactly like she did on the lawn under the moonlight in Melancholia. Nice to see her, in any case.

6:52pm: A small cadre of fire-fighters has arrived for the express purpose of following Leonardo around and spraying him with icy water from a high-powered hose. His assistant has been tasked to paper-cut him between award presentations and pour cayenne paper into the wounds. It's important that everything be harder for him.

6:51pm: Rob Lowe, still looking the same, still drinking that Eva Green juice.

6:50pm: Here's Rooney Mara, who absolutely deserves to win tonight. Having mastered the art of period-specific pastiche on Carol, she has come tonight with a pitch-perfect, scrupulously detailed homage to Jennifer Connelly's Oscar dress. Like everyone who worked on Carol she is obviously, palpably in love with the film and with her collaborators.

6:49pm: Have the other Ava DuVernay/Apple commercials been freed from the vault yet? Is there any chance I'll see one of those tonight?

6:47pm: During this commercial, I'm assuming that someone is taking Amy Schumer aside to show her, you know, what a television camera is, and how the mics all work, and maybe introduce her to a star. You don't want to overwhelm her right off the bat, so I hope they go easy at first. Joanne Froggatt, maybe. Tobias Menzies. She's just a girl with a dream, after all. I don't even know if she's been to LA before! (She's an awfully good sport about being engaged this way.)

6:44pm: Steve Carell here, and making a play again as Biggest Fox on the red carpet. More hilarity ensues about how nobody knows even now what a Mortgage-Backed Security or a Credit Default Swap is. Which could be interpreted as a less-than-good admission from people who've seen the movie, or starred in it, but I love both Carells too much to pause here.

6:41pm: Everybody's excited about a TV actress called Jaimie Alexander from a show called Blind Spot? Search me. I actually thought they said "Blind Side" and was like, "They adapted that?? They stretched it out????" Jaimie's so new at this that she says she's excited for Ricky Gervais! The camera cuts away while Jaimie's still talking, so we can see Katy Perry doing every single Octavia St. Laurent pose from Paris Is Burning, though somehow the effect is not the same, even after they cleared the carpet for only her.

6:40pm: Two awards have been pre-announced: Best Marriage for the McCarthy-Falcones, and Nicest Person, a tie between McCarthy and Falcone. Their sweep continues! Melissa insists she knows Queen Latifah's albums verbatim. I'd ask to see that movie, except we know what it would turn out to be, so let's just quit while we're ahead.

6:39pm: I know Leonardo had to sleep for three months inside a bison's womb or something, but here's my struggle: I can't have champagne tonight because I'll still be working for hours after the ceremony, and I'm on a sympathy diet with my BFF who's got gestational diabetes while she's incubating her own personal sequel, so I can't have desserts, either. So if I'm extra cranky tonight, blame the kale, mkay.

6:35pm: Another queen having fun running an Irritable Bowel Syndrome commercial just as the stars sit down for a televised, high-anxiety dinner. Happily a drug called Xifaxan can cure your I.B.S., nominees! However, you "should call your doctor immediately if your diarrhea worsens while taking Xifaxan." I wonder how "immediately" they mean. (Yes, Xifaxan "can be fatal.")

6:33pm: Mark Ruffalo and Sunrise Coigney here, after a quick cutaway to Maggie Gyllenhaal looking fab-u-lous. Sunrise still deserves an honorary Best Supporting Prize for all that great crying and cheering she did on behalf of her friend Julianne last year, at seemingly every cere.... is Leonardo seriously talking again about how hard his movie was to shoot?? Can we please go back to the Ruffalos? (Ruffalos? Ruffaloes?)

6:30pm: I think this is Jennifer Lawrence with David O. Russell, but it might be Maggie Smith. I can never tell them apart. (Sorry, I couldn't think of a better Age Joke there. But I was determined to provide one, because I am an original!)

6:29pm: Showing up with his wife and three daughters, and having it pointed out that his family is entirely women, Stallone extemporizes: "God must hate me!" Bodes well for Rylance, that kind of thing. But see Creed if you haven't!  Even Sly's daughters and wife like it! "It's the only film of mine they want to watch. They hate me in everything else." If you're invited to a dinner party Chez Stallone, maybe politely decline.

6:28pm: Yep! Gaga has decided this is her Casino! She's here in a fairly conventional black dress and Marilyn hair. Predictable unpredictability. Gaga doesn't just have Donatella on speed-dial, she has Donatella's daughter Allegra on speed dial.

6:23pm: Matt Damon, to camera: "Hi, kids. Dad's here. With your friend Matt." Savannah rolls her eyes even as she grins, like Oh, I'm not here, too? #BoysClub She's on fire.

6:21pm: Somebody made a mulberry velvet tuxedo that's big enough for The Rock to wear it. I didn't know there was that much mulberry velvet in the world! I do feel bad for Redmayne, though, working so hard on his patterned ensembles and doing such sterling work but stuck under that bronze-medal ceiling. Oyelowo and The Rock are not catchable in this field. Make peace.

6:20pm: Eddie Redmayne: "I just feel lucky to be an employed actor." Savannah Guthrie: "Youuu might say you're more than an 'employed actor.'" Savannah has really worked on her shade throw! I'm so pleased with her!

6:19pm: Just do yourself a favor. Just Google "David Oyelowo Purple Checked Tux." See, you're grateful, right? Dapper af.

6:17pm: Harrison Ford, still wearing that tiny cyanide tablet he's been keeping on his earlobe all these years in case he really can't stand his lot in life anymore, has an open chuckle with Lauer and Guthrie about how much he really doesn't like these events. #Charmed

6:16pm: Not too late, I guess, to treat Amy Schumer like a recent immigrant from a tiny foreign country: "Are you going to have a lot of pinch-me moments in there, meeting all these stars? Every star in the world is inside that room, Amy!" I'm so inspired that this sheriff from a small town, with no acting experience, wrote this script for Trainwreck and managed to finagle the lead, where she told those people, "Now, you <i>GET OUT!!!</i> <i>Get</i> outta here!!!"

6:15pm: Viola Davis, still trying to explain that Shonda Rhimes is not the creator or showrunner of How to Get Away with Murder. #JusticeForPeteNowalk And the award for Smoothest Transition of the Night: "And girl, you are getting away with murdering that dress! You are murdering this red carpet!"

6:14pm: I only encounter Savannah Guthrie twice a year at events like this, so according to my time-lapsed perspective, she seems significantly more done with Matt Lauer than she was last year.

6:09pm: Ricky Gervais honors every known law by saying with a devilish grin, "Oh, I won't break any laws...!" I'm already suppressing a yawn. Even in the NBC ads, he recycles the same prose he used on stage last year while presenting to Amy. No way Aviana didn't catch that.

6:07pm: Brie Larson's Leia-inspired peekaboo dress made of gold rope in the same frame as Géza Röhrig's yarmulke chic. The spectrum. Are Kirsten Dunst and Garrett Hedlund an item? Did everyone else already know this? Was this born of On the Road? Do you remember On the Road?

6:06pm: Current tally of different "Alicia" pronunciations: 2. Current tally of different "Vikander" pronunciations: 3. These NBC types aren't even trying with "Machina."

6:05pm: We've followed the Pinkett Smiths with Taraji Henson (her charisma is powering the entire ceremony through sustainable energy) and Helen Mirren, so one has a sense of trading up from the pre-pre-show (sic) crowd. Work harder, actors, and get older, so you can talk to... well, Matt Lauer!

6:04pm: The Pinkett Smiths are here, even though the wrong damn one is nominated. Nobody has the temerity to ask about it. I wouldn't either. What if Jada's XXL character stabs Ricky with a stiletto and surprise-hosts??? Bliss.

6:01pm: Pre-Pre Show is over, so we have a new cast of (sic)s: Savannah Guthrie, Matt Lauer, Natalie Morales, and two NBC co-conspirators whose names I didn't catch. And I'm suddenly pining for Ricky Gervais! Because Matt Lauer.

5:57pm: (sic 2): "I honestly really loved Laverne Cox." - ? #honestly 

5:52pm: Dagmara Dominczyk on her hubby, Patrick Wilson: "I told him that when he doesn't write things down, he tends to ramble, so he wrote something down." Crack that whip, Dagmara. Honesty is what keeps it working, everyone knows that.

5:50pm: Jackie to Eva Green: "What do you do to keep calm on a night like this?" Eva: "I feast on a specific vat of blood I save for such occasions." Either that's what she said or it's just what I heard, I'm not sure.

5:48pm: At long last, someone asks what we have all wondered, which is whether there is any added pressure involved in playing a real person. My guess is that there is not. You can tell Michael Fassbender is considering that reply. (sic 2): "I feel that you also play a really good person with a temper. Is that what you're like in real life?" Intrepid, she states, "I want to know if there's a speech in one of those pockets," and he somehow doesn't say, "No, just happy to see you."

5:46pm: To whatever queen behind the scenes at the local Chicago NBC affiliate who just cut off the Danish Girl ad after the first two seconds in favor of a cereal ad: Well played.

5:44pm: "I am obsessed with that dress. I am literally watching it go down the stairs right now." Try to sketch your vision of what you think that dress must be doing right now.

5:42pm: Lily Tomlin looks amazing! #ThatsAll

5:40pm: I'm going to leave Jackie and Maura Tierney to check in about how shitty it is when dudes step on your train, and go write some pre-fab text about preferences and predictions. (Another tactful moment from a sic, by the way: "When I first heard the show was called The Affair, I thought 'how far can you really take a premise like that?' but then I eventually got into it."

5:36pm: Laverne Cox, aka Ten Feet Tall and Rising, is psyched to be at her first Golden Globes and is wearing some great earrings that I'd call Julianne Moore Green. I was so with her till she singled out Leonardo DiCaprio as the person she's most excited to meet. She hasn't seen The Revenant yet, but she has a screener at home!  Which worries me a little, because Laverne, I'm not sure that's an approved path to The Truth.

5:32pm: Gina Rodriguez and Jackie, aka (sic 3), confess to having both disdained deodorant for the evening: "It ruins the dress!" (sic 2) can't get behind this at all. (sic 1) is all about Regina King's cape. She's also proud that she correctly predicted Luis Vuitton for Alicia Vikander, nominated tonight for Ex ma-TCHEE-na. (I'm horrible.)

5:30pm: (sic 2) asks Mark Rylance in his Bavarian, tiny-feathered hat, "Is this your first Golden Globes? What do you think about it?  You think it's kind of crazy, right?" Rylance obligingly agrees to this helpful account of his feelings, and so far isn't quoting obscure poetry.

5:29pm: Just heard a commercial that freely and often referred to business owners as "progress-makers." Hope all you educators, activists, and civil rights lawyers out there get the memo!

5:25pm: I was a little worried there by how Patrick Wilson has aged. But then I realized that was Bob Odenkirk. Who looks fine! As long as you're not expecting Patrick Wilson. If any of you care, (sic 1) is called Liliana, apparently, and (sic 2) is called Sarah. They're teamed up with (sic 3), who has that hilarious habit of only being excited about outfits after the designer has been named. E.g., "Now, who are you wearing." / "This tux is Dior." / "Oh, nice!!"

5:24pm: Another reporter (sic) to the creator of Mr. Robot: "How did you think of the premise of that show, because you really have to have a brain for that! I feel, when I'm watching it - like, so vulnerable." Best not to press into implications of this confession. ("Vulnerable" to what?)

5:23pm: How thrilling to be interviewed about your brand new show on the red carpet and have the reporter (sic) tell you what a "guilty pleasure" it is!

5:20pm: Dad's sharing his feelings about Bridge of Spies, Francis Gary Powers, and The Water Diviner. Military guy. Occupational hazard. Or gift! Almost there.

5:15pm: Red Carpet has started but I'm not hearing it because I'm talking to my Dad on the phone because I care about family more than I do about movie awards. Sometimes. In a way. Hang tight.

4:55pm: I can tell the Globes are closer!  I'm already seeing a commercial that encourages me to take TamiFlu though it might murder me. Terrifying drug-industry commercials are the advent calendar that built to the manger scene that is the Golden Globes.

4:20pm: You guys, we are going to have to be so lucky to get any repeat of last year's amazing moment—rarer than people think on awards shows—of a winner who really, truly had absolutely no idea she was going to win.  In the same way that the roving flotillas of stylists mean we never get to see Demi Moore in self-designed biker-short chic anymore, the brigades of pre-Globes award-giving bodies mean we rarely encounter a truly flustered winner.  But Amy Adams had no clue, nor should she have, that she would win a Best Actress award last year for Big Eyes, and caught unawares, she extemporized lavishly on her daughter, and at one point observed that her time at the mic was "getting weird."  I'm completely sympathetic to Amy, and all the more so to her daughter, whom we're told really sees what all her mom's female colleagues in Hollywood are up to.  If what we're dealing with is an early-onset case of actressexuality in a 4-year-old, I'm all for it.  Maybe she'll grow up to be like me, writing "Dianne Wiest" and "Sonia Braga" and "Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio" in complex acrostics on my grocery-bag book covers in middle school. (That's true. As you didn't doubt.) Or maybe Amy's daughter is nothing like this, or maybe she has no daughter, and this was all a brilliant bit of improv. If so, hail Frances McDormand, who wasn't buying this story for a second, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who harbored her own skepticisms and then looked to Fran to confirm, Yeah, this is prolly b.s. (No, that's probably not what these sweet women meant at all. They love Aviana, and appreciated her notes on Veep and Olive Kittredge. But to all my students reading, who still don't believe me that a single edit can open up worlds of delicious connotation: here's proof!)

3:40pm: Here are the nominees, in case you've been stranded on a different planet, or brokering ententes between your dad and your ex in the basement, or so busy boning up on credit default swaps and the alien hairstyles and skin regimens of 2007 that you haven't had a moment to look them up.

3:30pm: As I just posted to Twitter, I have an essay and a lecture to finish and an apartment to clean before my Mom arrives tomorrow—so, you know, not even a visitor whose own dirty clothes you've pushed aside plenty of times to make yourself a seat, and who can stand to put up for a change with your dirty dishes and un-dusted shelves.  Still, live-blogging awards shows, and the Golden Globes in particular, has been (if I may) I forte of mine for a decade now and is usually responsible for my highest-traffic night of the year: in 2007, 2008, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014.  There was one brief blip in 2009, a year when I was briefly abducted by a somewhat dismal actor and forced to choose between marrying Domhnall Gleeson or sleeping for an entire year inside a horse carcass with only a meltedy spoon to keep me company. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I found out some a--hole was spying on me from the next carcass over. So I had to drive all the way back to the city, strapped to the front of Domhnall's car. He was still mad at me because I should have just picked him in the first place. The only person who understood my predicament was Emily Blunt, who said she's been in plenty of tight spots where she couldn't remotely work out what to do, either; and Matt Damon, who promised me that no matter how extreme your circumstances, a billion-dollar global line-item is eventually budgeted to save you, so you should just Do You, bro.

While cleaning the bathroom for Mom this afternoon, I availed myself of an annual opportunity to listen to all the songs nominated for Best Original Song at tonight's event. I figured this about the level of focus that HFPA voters were apportioning to the same task.  Here's how it went:

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Anonymous Liz said...

Yes! I look forward to this every year.

My main takeaway from this awards season is that unless something crazy happens, this is probably going to be the worst leading actor Oscar lineup in years, possibly decades.

4:02 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger NATHANIEL R said...

YAY. I love your GG live blogs. Or the thing i read tape delayed so i can even go on functioning since you do it better than anyone.

4:21 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger Tim said...

This is what I do instead of watching the Globes, so I'm ecstatic to see it unexpectedly popping up this year. Huzzah!

4:46 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger Dave said...

Not staying up (Brit alert) this year so I very much look forward to enjoying it via your always enervating commentary in the morning!

5:04 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger James T said...

I've been sleepy for about 15 hours now, but I want to read this while it's happening, because I'm a sick person! Don't know if I'll find a link to the show.
Not even 1/42342 way through, you made me laugh myself awake. Kind ofzzz.
(The Amy Adams bit is sublime farce!)

5:07 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger John T said...

This is one of my favorite awards traditions. So pumped!

7:34 PM, January 10, 2016  
Anonymous BVR said...

About that Superman vs. Batman ad, it's sad to see Jesse Eisenberg go from impressive subtlety and detail in "The End of the Tour" to what-the-f$#k-are-you-doin-with-your-voice-and-hair???

Thanks for doing this again, Nick! You rock! And here's to "Carol" taking Picture, Director, Actress, Score.

7:34 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger John T said...

I keep saying "Consider" now during every commercial with Eva Longoria. Which I believe was all of them.

9:59 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger James T said...

Brilliant job, again, Nick. Thanks so much!

10:07 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger Kevin said...

This has all been wonderful, but since you've never heard of it, I would heartily endorse glancing at "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" sometime. It's a super-good, really ballsy show.

10:10 PM, January 10, 2016  
Blogger Jonathan said...

How would you rank Xifaxan and Xeljanz in the pantheon of Golden Globe-approved medications? Presumably neither of them are Ablify (but what is!?) but how close are they?

5:10 AM, January 11, 2016  
Blogger Colin Low said...

Whoa, I totally missed any inkling that the Globes was happening today. This was such a happy catch-up, even if Carol's shut-out is totally mortifying. Also, poor Domhnall Gleeson, to go from "so good on Broadway in The Lieutenant of Inishmore" and a tempting swap for the Never Let Me Go main cast to "somewhat dismal actor." Yikes.

6:29 AM, January 11, 2016  
Blogger NicksFlickPicks said...

@Colin: "Somewhat dismal" was a mean Roomndig, not about Domhnall, if that helps. All is not lost!

6:49 AM, January 11, 2016  
Blogger Murtada said...

Love the Andrew Upton love because Cate is still so in love with him.

7:48 PM, January 11, 2016  
Blogger Colin Low said...

@Nick: Ack. This is what happens when the only movie from this awards season I've seen is a total Globes shut-out! Now if only distributors here would stop waiting till February to screen everything...

8:51 AM, January 12, 2016  
Blogger Unknown said...

Great information. Thanks for providing us such a useful information. Keep up the good work and continue providing us more quality information from time to time. NBC‬,‪Friends‬,James Burrows‬‬

5:23 AM, February 04, 2016  

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